Articles

Yes, Over 6,000 People Have Actually Bought Alien Abduction Insurance

By Psquared - July 29, 2019
Credits: http://imgur.com

The universe is unimaginably large. And we don’t mean unimaginably large like the Grand Canyon. That’s huge, but we can actually see enough pictures of it to wrap our tiny little mammalian brains around the concept of its size. We can’t do that with the universe. For example, our sun can fit 1.3 million Earths inside of it. Try to visualize that. You can’t! We have absolutely no frame of reference and can’t even begin to imagine how large that it. And here’s where things start to get crazy.

There are stars out there thousands (if not millions) of times larger than our sun. Yet, if we can see them at all, they’re only a faded, pale dot in the sky because they’re so far away. See? The universe is literally so large you can’t imagine it. And 99.999999% of it is unknown and unexplored to us. That’s why it’s so easy to believe that, statistically, we can’t be the only living beings out there. And while that may excite some, it terrifies others…

Are We Alone

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Ever since humans realized we were the smartest beings on this planet (although that is questionable; dolphins are pretty clever), we started to wonder if there were smarter beings elsewhere.

Could a flying saucer show up at any moment and declare an intergalactic war on us?

Or worse, would they try to abduct us in secret and perform all sorts of experiments involving all sorts of our orifices? Luckily, aliens like these haven’t shown up on Earth. Or have they…?

Area 51

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Area 51 is a not-so-secret-anymore military base that is shrouded in mystery. It’s also the epicenter of countless conspiracy theories.

Many people believe aliens have landed on Earth and are being kept here, guarded by the military. And folks want to know if that’s true.

Millions do, in fact, as a Facebook group event was made that has millions marked as attending. The goal: to storm Area 51 and see if there are aliens there (and to maybe have some fun).

Scared

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If you were afraid of the possibility of aliens showing up and snatching you in one of their flying saucers before, this has to have you on edge.

Millions of people storming a secret government facility and agitating the potential aliens within?

What if they are set free and contact their alien brothers, sisters and possibly other names that we humans can’t fathom? What if they come for revenge on us all? Is there anyway we can prepare? There is: you can get yourself some insurance.

Alien Abduction Insurance

Credits: http://www.fox35orlando.com

Mike St. Lawrence, who owns the Saint Lawrence Agency in Altamonte Springs, Florida says his agency offers limited or comprehensive alien abduction insurance.

How much is this insurance worth? A whopping $10 million. That oughtta cover your headache.

This is just a joke, though, right? Surely, no one would actually buy this? Oh, dear sweet reader. You underestimate the crazy of our species, especially those that dwell in Florida. So far, over 6,000 of these policies have been sold.

Saint Lawrence Agency

Credits: http://www.fox35orlando.com

If you don’t believe the Saint Lawrence Agency is for real, here’s a business card.

You know they’re legit, now. They also offer other types of insurance besides alien abduction, such as reincarnation insurance, asteroid insurance and even insurance for anyone who storms Area 51 and doesn’t make it out alive.

So if you’re living in a state of constant anxiety that aliens are gonna show up and wreck your ish, you need not worry any longer: they have you covered.

How It Works

Credits: http://www.fox35orlando.com

So how does this work? You pay a one-time fee of $24.95 for a paper copy.

It will be mailed to you and you can hang it up, so your friends and loved ones know what to do should the unfortunate (and possibly inevitable) happens and you’re abducted.

Or, you can get a discount by purchasing a digital copy for only $19.95. Hey, money makes the world go round, and when our world is invaded, you’re gonna want to save as much as possible.

What's In The Coverage

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So what exactly is in the $10 million worth of coverage you’re paying for? Each policy, which is good for life, covers outpatient psychiatric care, “sarcasm coverage” and double identity coverage.

Sarcasm coverage is limited to immediate family members, and is intended for any mockery or sarcasm someone might endure from family members following an alien abduction.

Double identity coverage? That’s for when they make a clone of you and try replacing you in your own life. And you thought identity theft was bad when humans did it.

Not New To The Game

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So is St. Lawrence some con man that is taking advantage of a Facebook meme that has gone viral?

No way. He’s in the alien abduction insurance business for the live of the game. In fact, he’s been at it since 1987.

He’s sold 6,000 policies over that time, and he’s seen a significant uptick in business since the plans to invade Area 51 have blown up. However, St. Lawrence insists that his policies are intended to only be purchased by those with a sense of humor.

Tongue And Cheek

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St. Lawrence talked about his policies, their intent and what he hopes people get out of them, saying,

“I don’t want to try to rip somebody off. The people that come to me, If I think they don’t understand the terms and conditions, that this is tongue and cheek, I won’t sell it to them.”

It’s a relief to hear that he understands how ridiculous it is and is only doing it for a laugh. However, not everyone is in on the joke.

Previous Experience

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As you may imagine, several people believe not only that they may one day be abducted by aliens, but that it’s already happened.

St. Lawrence talked about a married couple that inquired about the policy, saying they suddenly remembered having an extraterrestrial experience.

“Their 9-year-old son and daughter, I don’t remember how old she was, were both starting to say that they were having some kind of experience like that, and that’s not funny.”

Yeah… maybe don’t freak out your kids needlessly.

How The Policy Pays Out

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It should be especially clear that the insurance policy is meant to be a joke if you read the fine print on how those 10 million dollars are paid out.

St. Lawrence says benefits are paid in equal installments of one dollar per year for 10 or 20 million years.

So, unless you intend to give monetarily insignificant benefits to your great, great, great, great, great, great, etc, etc, etc, etc, ancestors for the next thousand millennia, then this isn’t the policy for you.

For Real?

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Now, with all of the signs that this is a joke, do people who purchase it still take it seriously?

You bet they do. Each insurance policy sold comes with a claim form, so you can try to get your dollar a year in perpetuity.

The claim form asks about the type of life form that took you, their point of origin, a tag number from the UFO, a photograph of the aliens and a signature from an “authorized, on-board alien.”

Claims

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So far, two people have submitted claims that they were abducted by aliens and tried collecting on that cash.

One of the claimants submitted Polaroid photographs of alleged aliens as proof. As you’d imagine, it didn’t hold up to scrutiny.

But the other claimant talked with a professor at MIT who examined an implant that came out of their body and stated that the implant was not made of any earthly substance. To his credit, St. Lawrence said he considered this to be tangible proof.

Pay Up

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Of course, this person didn’t get a boss alien to sign off on anything, but St. Lawrence thought this was close enough.

“I said we’re going to waive the signature and we started paying him a dollar a year for 10 years before we lost contact with him,” he explained.

Well, considering how each policy is for $10 million and he’s sold over 6,000 in the past 30 plus years, paying up only 10 bucks in claims in that time is not that bad.

Getting Serious

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St. Lawrence started the alien abduction insurance as a joke, but after all the interest in Area 51, he says folks are starting to take it a little more seriously.

“When I started most people thought it was completely absurd, and today I’d say 50 percent of the people think it’s a possibility.”

So, if you’re scared of being abducted by aliens and want to have at least a dollar a year basically forever to take care of whatever might happen to you if that goes down, St. Lawrence has you covered.