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Waiters Revealed The Wildest Thing They’ve Overheard From One Of Their Tables

By Sarcasm Society - January 04, 2019

If you’ve ever waited tables, you’ve probably heard some crazy things said by customers when they momentarily forgot they were out in public. Waiters are often flies on the wall for some interesting conversations, which is one of the best parts of being a waiter. Yes, waiting tables can sometimes feel like the job from hell when you are waiting on horrible customers, the kitchen is backed up, and you have a table you know won’t tip. Here’s a tip…don’t say things in front of waiter that you would wish to keep private. Because they’re still humans, and they’re always listening.

Waiter Stories

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For some reason a lot of people forget that waiters can overhear their conversations when they’re dining out. Newsflash, folks: Waiters aren’t robots. They’re human people that actually understand what you’re saying, and thus they judge you for what you’re saying.

In this particular thread on Reddit, waiters were asked to share some of the weirdest stuff they overheard from customers. Here are some of our favorites. Warning: they can get absolutely wild in a hurry.

Oldest Profession

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SudaneseWarlord said, “I overheard a man and his high class prostitute he had flown In, talk about terms and conditions as well as ordinary things. Apparently It was the first time he’d done It and he was nervous his wife would somehow find out. They discussed do’s and dont’s…

But in all honesty the bloke seemed like a shy guy, didn’t look bad, and the hooker was exemplary In the way she treated him. And the money she earned was more than my monthly salary.”

But probably for most people, they’d still prefer waiting table to this other job.

Hitting The Wall

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McKeddie said, “A kid comes running from an perpendicular hallway and runs face first into the wall without putting his hands up. He starts crying. The dad walks behind him very calmly and kneels down and says,

‘Buddy, you just can’t go running into walls.’ I muffled my immediate laugh with my hand. It brought tears to my eyes.”

Eventually, every kid needs to learn that walls are made out of solid material. For that kid, that was his day to learn that.

Swing Time

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Ame-foto said, "I overheard a guy on a date…trying to impress the girl by saying that he loved swing dancing, and that maybe they should check out that 'Swinging Richards' place sometime. Their waitress was in earshot and quickly explained to him that Swinging Richards was not that kind of dance club." 

If you're not sure what kind of club it really is, just think of what are some of the common nicknames for "Richard."

Clown Proposal

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Did_it_right said that, while waiting tables, “In walks a clown (who)…He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope.

The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner.”

And we can only imagine the car ride home was completely delightful and free from tension.

It's All Relative

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ElPapaDiablo said, “I overheard a girl say ‘Well technically he isn’t my brother so I shagged him’ to which her friend replied ‘But you have the same Dad. Looks like someone learned a valuable lesson that day about the meaning of the term “half-brother.”

Hopefully they also learn a valuable lesson of keeping such tawdry tales to themselves, or at the very least, keeping their voices down while sharing their exploits in a crowded locale.

Tell Your Wife

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Zapatodulce said, “We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker’s section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time. One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him ‘ooooh, you’re in trouble. I’m going to tell your wife you were here with another woman.’

Woman said ‘Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the f*** has he been coming here with?’ Dead awkward silence.”

But if you’re that old, you should know better than to take your wife to the same restaurant where you take your mistress. No good could possibly come from that.

Check, Please

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Somedude456 said, “Grandpa is paying. He has the check and credit card in hand, and is trying to insert the card into the little plastic sleeve inside the check presenter. As I walk up he says,’It’s too tight, I can’t get it in…(smiles and elbows his wife)…sure haven’t said that in a while.'”

“She turned bright red, said his name in that ‘you’re in trouble’ tone and gave him a much harder elbow.”

There are still few things funnier than old people being inappropriately raunchy.

Down On The Farm

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Redditor nn30 overheard a particularly dark conversation:

“Older couple at Bob Evans.

‘I just wish I could die already.’

‘I know dear.'”

But as long as you’re still alive, you might as well treat yourself to some biscuits and gravy from Bob Evans! As a matter of fact, throw some steak in while you’re at it. And bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. All this unhealthy food might help speed up the process a little bit.

Breaking The News

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Captaincous said, “Had a guy confess to banging his SO’s sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene.” Turns out that when you betray someone, they forget they’re out in public.

Lesson learned! Maybe if you’re afraid of her making a scene, tell her somewhere private. Or, you know… don’t be a cheating snake.

Stalker Alert

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Mozzahella said, “A group of 3 or 4 ladies were noticeably uncomfortable and when I asked if they were okay they told me that one of them had a stalker who constantly shows up at her house, work, etc.. and calls her repeatedly.

He just showed up to the bar. She had threatened to call the police if he didn’t leave her alone, so what did he do? Naturally he bought her a drink as an apology.”

In reality, the best way to apologize to someone for stalking them is probably by no longer stalking them.

Impressive Theory

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Selite said, “A girl trying to impress her date by talking about how pharaohs were aliens.” And her date was probably extremely impressed. Impressed with her level of insanity, that is. We need to hear more on this story.

Did the date promptly get up and run away? Were they into it? If pharaoh alien lady can find love, then there’s hope for all of us. This story is funny, but ended way too soon.

Pill Popper

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Ninja_at_law told Reddit, “One woman at a table of 6 lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed Viagra ‘He took it like a vitamin – 1 pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn’t understand why.'”

Looks like coffee isn’t the only thing you can take to get perked up at work, you know? Hopefully he had a desk he could hide it under. Would hate to hear they were a teacher or something.

Squeaky Wheel

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Fatherchristmassdad said he heard a customer say, “I heard if you complain here you get your meal for free.” The waiter than, “sidled by and politely told her that wasn’t the case.” If you want to get away with the old “fake complaint to get free food” scam, you’ll have to try some other time.

You can’t just complain about nothing. It has to have merit. And don’t try complaining how complaining didn’t work. You lose. Go home and make your own damn di

Whale Of A Time

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presciiient said, “This tween boy was for some reason talking about whale vaginas in frightening detail. His older brother told him to ‘stop being a little immature s***.’ The younger brother responded with, “‘I thought you liked whale vaginas, isn’t that why you’re still dating Evelyn?’ I…lost it and quickly shuffled back to the kitchen before exploding with laughter.”

It’s a mean joke, but you have to give the boy credit for doing his research. And for having flawless timing