These Goth Teens Are Gothing Super Hard
Remember the long, long ago days of Myspace? Those were simpler times, weren’t they? Sure, it’s easy to look back on and make fun of now, but at the time we all loved it. Picking your top friends (Tom had to be in there, of course. He was everyone’s friend), adding a sparkly layout to your page that made it take forever to load and of course clicking through profiles endlessly to find new friends.
Even if you did just a tiny search around Myspace, you for sure ran across a ton of goth kids. You know the ones: all black everything, super pale and seem to take life way too seriously. Most of them grew out of that phase, but goth culture is still alive and well. Although, it looks more undead than alive, but you get the idea. Get a load of these kids who take gothing to a whole new level.
The key personality trait of a goth kid is the brooding. You have to look over it and depressed all at once.
Normally, this level of cynicism and disillusionment with the world can take years and years to build up in a person to pull off.
Not this kid, though. They’re an absolute perturbed prodigy. Sure, the makeup would make anyone seem pretty gothy, but it’s the restrained scowl and expression in the eyes that really sells this. Well done.
Why So Glum, Chums?
Look, it’d be easy to just make fun of all the goth teens in these photos.
It’d also be fun to make fun of all of them. Like, a lot of fun. Imagine water slides combined with laser tag. It’d be that much fun.
However… actually, there is no however. We’re just gonna make fun of them here. Why do these kids look like they’re on their way to the lead singer of Panic! At The Disco’s Funeral? That’s not even a metal band. Pfft… posers.
Being goth is such a paradoxical lifestyle. You have to learn to look down on the rest of society.
You chastise them for being phony and lying to themselves to try and fit in with people that they hate.
You think everyone tries way too hard. And yet… you dress and pose like this. How can you call anyone a poser when all you do is pose for pictures like this? You’re literally a poser. It’s pretty hypocritical, isn’t it?
Step By Step
Okay, so this looks like a bunch of goth kids trying to look cool, but it’s actually art.
Yeah, it’s super easy to miss, but this is actually a statement that they’re trying to make. Follow along, if you will.
They’re all clearly mad at their step dads. They made them this way. So they’re all sitting on their steps, blandly looking off in the distance, as if yo say they’re in a position of power and don’t care. It’s either that, or these kids are just try hard posers. Either/or, really.
Imagine being this guy’s friend. And he does have friends. Who do you think took this photo?
You think this guy’s pal just thought, “Man, Ezekial looks amazing right now. I should capture a candid shot of him in his element?”
No way! He forced him to take picture after picture, looking over each one and forcing him to delete all the ones he hated until he found that perfect shot good enough to post online. Yet he calls the rest of the world phony.
Are these teens? Are these full grown adults? It’s nearly impossible to tell because of all that makeup.
Give respect where it’s due, these folks look incredible for a couple that may actually be in their 70s. There’s no way to tell.
That’s a fun thought experiment. Would you prefer to age naturally and grow old and whither, or look the same age forever… assuming you have to go outside dressed like this all the time? It’s a tough decision, isn’t it?
So. Many. Laces.
Do you think there are any Hot Topic employees out there that work off of commission?
If there are, when they see this group of friends walk into their store, all they can think in that moment is “cha-ching!”
RIP to all the cows used in the making of their all leather everythings. Also, what is it about being goth that makes you love laces so much? Today we all learned that the least goth thing in the world is apparently velcro.
The Goth Kid Role Model
Aside from the blood and macabre showing off of his tooth, this guy doesn’t seem all that goth, does he?
In reality, this is one of the most goth kids of all time. In fact, this goth kid inspired multiple generations of goth kids.
Who is he? Why, none other than a young Tim Burton. That’s right. It doesn’t matter how you dress, goth is more of a state of mind. Hot Topic salespeople working off commission hope they don’t figure that out, though.
It's Not 'Just A Phase,' Dad!
This isn’t a roving band of freelance morticians you’re seeing here. This is the band My Dying Bride.
They formed as teens in 1990. That’s right… they’ve been professionally goth for nearly 30 years. That must be exhausting.
They might each have a family and kids. They might go to soccer practice. Yet, they started as a goth band and have to continue as a goth band to make a living, so even though they’re all middle aged, they still have to talk about how much parents suck.
Not All Doom And Gloom
Don’t get the wrong idea, though. Goths are human beings just like any other, you know.
Human beings are nuanced, complex creatures capable of all sorts of ranges of emotion. Even goth kids can have fun from time to time.
If you don’t believe that, take a look at this photo. This is objectively funny. Just look at how much Santa is enjoying this. How often does he get to grant wishes to kids that are whiter than the snow he flies through?
Gothic Period Goths
These goth kids are the greatest goth kids of all time. You can’t accuse them of being posers.
They’re literally dressed like they’re walking around during the Gothic period. Most goth teens don’t even know what that means.
Also, this requires even more work and dedication. Just look at those suits and dresses. You can’t find those at Hot Topic. And they’re depressed about more real things.
“Oh, your step dad sucks? I lost mine and three wives to the consumption!”
Is That A Smile?
Remember, goth kids can have a sense of humor. It’s impossible to sulk around all the time.
Look at that girl in the flannel. She’s actually cracking a smile. Even though your common bond with your friends is depression, friends are still great.
When you’re surrounded by people that get you and make you feel safe, it’s hard to not feel a bit better. That said, stop smiling, Anita. You’re ruining the look we’re trying to capture in this shot.
Here we have a group of goths that aren’t even trying to hide how great of a time they’re having.
Also, whenever you see a group of goth kids laughing and having fun, you should definitely make a wish.
Also, that’s twice I said, “group of goths.” There should be a collective noun for goths. Like murder of crows or a grumble of pugs. Hmm… how about a “You just don’t get it, Mom!” of goths? Yeah, that oughtta work.
The Family That Goths Together
“You may be all dark, moody and edgy now, Christopher, but you’ll see one day.
You’re gonna grow out of this phase and look back on this time period and laugh at how silly you dressed and acted.”
“Stop calling me ‘Christopher,’ Dad! My name is Alucard now. And this isn’t a phase. You’ll see. One day I’m gonna marry a goth lady, and we’re gonna get married and have a whole goth family. So get used to this, cause it’s here to stay.”
Shout Out To South Park
As you can see, the goth culture is still around. Maybe we have South Park to thank for that.
Every so often they bust out their goth kid characters, and it sparks new life into this movement just when you thought it was over.
It inspires folks to dress up and cosplay as the goth kids, as you can see in this photo. And some… they get a taste of the goth life and learn to like it. Maybe we shouldn’t bash it so much. Maybe we’d like it if we gave it a try…