People So Salty They’d Make ‘Salt Bae’ Proud
Being able to turn the other cheek is an admirable trait. It shows maturity and patience, both of which are valuable virtues to have. Truly, if everyone had these attributes, we’d live in a kinder, more polite society. But as great as they are and as great as that would be… they’re not very funny now, are they? And funny is what we deal with here at Sarcasm Society. So forget patience and pleasantness… let’s talk about being petty.
We love people that are sweet, but we think that we love people who are salty even more. Those rough edges lead to barbs that have us rolling with laughter. And they say that laughter is the best medicine. So if you think about it, salt is actually great for you, despite what doctors may say. So let’s give it up for all the salty curmudgeons out there, and take a look at some of the most hilariously salty folks we could find on the web…
Not A Taxi
If you want to find pettiness and salt, go onto social media. There’s nothing more petty than counting likes to prove who won… so that’s what we’re gonna do!
The post got five likes. The comment got 65. Maybe instead of being a taxi service, they should try to be a condiment service.
They’ve got a head start on inventory, because they just received a whole lot of salt. Plus, if they want to get as many likes as that person did, they’re going to need to try and ketchup.
When doing your taxes, there’s a good chance you’ll want to cry. Especially when you figure out how much you still inexplicably owe the government.
And when you’re sobbing, what flavor is the water that emerges from your eyes?
The correct answer is “salty.” And now we’ve come full circle. It’s not cool to kick someone when they’re down. But advertising to them to take advantage and make a buck? We see nothing wrong with that. That’s capitalism, baby!
Home Sweet Home
The washer and dryer has the ability to talk? Whoa. And they have the ability to give birth and raise a child?
And the ability to be super savage on Facebook? Where can we get a washer and dryer like this?
Do apartment buildings come equipped with appliances like this? And if so, how much does it cost per cycle? We only have so many quarters, but we’re willing to stock up for such modern and amazing conveniences such as these.
Feeling The Feelings
“So does this mean you’re no longer feeling murderous rage? Then things are moving in the right direction!
It’s an improvement, and I’ll take it! Little by little, those feelings of yours will slip away and we’ll be good again!”
Dang, normally you want your ex to still have feelings for you, but they’re so salty that this person is hoping that they return to neutral, just for the safety of their tires that definitely are not slash-proof.
Something Between Us
Maybe the thing between them doesn’t have to be a wall. It could also be pit filled with crocodiles.
Or how about a river of hot lava? Ooh! Maybe we could get old school and build a moat, like in front of a castle made of emotions.
And that moat could be filled with hot lava and crocodiles that are immune to the hot lava. Basically, anything can be between them. Well, anything except for a relationship.
After someone’s been burned this badly you, have to feel bad for them. So bad that we almost don’t want to point out that “awkward” has two w’s, not one.
We almost don’t want to, but we do. Because we love being salty as much as appreciating other people’s salt.
Also, be careful of invoking karma’s wrath. When you bemoan awkward moments and have terrible grammar, then you’re likely to invite one into your life. Then, we all get to laugh at you.
Campbell's Responds (Number 1)
This response leaves us asking two questions. First, is this really Campbell’s Soup, or an impostor? And second, if it is an impostor, who cares when the answer is this good?
Canned soups are known for being literally salty… but we didn’t realize they were also figuratively salty.
If this is the real company, then we want to buy a whole shelf of their products to support them. We may not eat it, though… because seriously, that’s a ton of salt.
To be fair, the beer also won’t fill the emptiness in your soul. But the combination of the two will help you forget about the emptiness in your soul.
And then if you remember the emptiness the next day, you can just have more pizza and beer every day for the rest of your life!
We don’t know the name of this pizza company that seems to celebrate nihilism, but if the pizza is good, then we’re right there with them.
McKayla Tweets Back
You think you can take down McKayla Maroney with a semi-mean tweet? You’ll have to do much better than this one.
Clearly, McKayla is not impressed. This is what’s bad and what’s so great about social media.
Any troll can tweet directly at any celebrity whenever they want and they can see it. That’s bad… but it’s also great, because they can respond. And when they do in such brutal fashion, we wish we could retweet it a million times ourselves.
Some guys just can’t take the hint. When a gal responds with a biting comeback, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
But some fellas just can’t accept the obvious and decide to press their luck even further despite running out of it long ago.
That’s when she hits him with this. He probably tried asking how much after, which is something you never want to inquire of a woman. Especially if there are police present, as that’s illegal.
This is a pretty sneaky move by this student. Although it would be even sneakier to do this and then not brag about it on social media to be seen by the world (including her teacher).
This savage deed may have only been a temporary victory.
However, if that hand gesture was made below her waste, then it means she gets to hit anyone who looks at it, so she can offer to spare the teacher if they let her off the hook.
Campbell's Responds (Number 2)
Who knew that a soup company would appear not once, but twice on this list of folks with salty comebacks?
Well, don’t get too impressed. We did some digging and, okay, this is definitely not a response from the actual Campbell’s company.
But perhaps it should be. If this person isn’t currently running Campbell’s social media, something is definitely wrong. This is how you get an employer’s attention: by being awesome while possibly illegally impersonating them.
Speed Limit Test
Want to troll the drivers in your town? Then make the speed limit signs look like this.
Either you get people to pay attention in algebra class, or you get extra revenue for your city thanks to all those tickets.
And in case you don’t want to strain your brain, we’ll do the math for you. The speed limit here is… [pulls out calculator and furiously punches in numbers while trying to keep eyes on road]… 45. That wasn’t so scary, was it?
Stuck In The Middle
Frankie Muniz of Malcolm In The Middle doesn’t care if you think he’s not a good actor.
Because you’re not the boss of him now. (Actually, nobody’s the boss of him now, because he’s super duper rich and retired.)
Look, we value famous people who are super talented. But we also respect the heck out of people who know when to get in, when to get out and can make millions of dollars while doing so. Ain’t no shame in that game.
“Um, good comeback, but everyone knows a centaur has the head and torso of a human and the body of a horse.
Meanwhile the creatures I’m seeing have all of that, plus the head of the horse as well. And human legs on top of it!
Are we supposed to believe someone cosplaying at Comic-con wouldn’t know this important detail? I don’t think so. We’re gonna need them to leave, dress up and comeback otherwise we’re gonna complain online.”
Tom might have been everyone’s friend during the Myspace era, but those days are long gone.
Now? He’s salty AF. If you cross him, he’ll bring on the sass. And if you cross him a second time, he’ll do something even worse.
He might remove you from his Top 8. Although we’re sure he doesn’t care about things like that anymore. His Top 8 is now the Top 10, and those are the 10 digits he’s worth… and that us being conservative with the estimate.
Burned By Kelly
When it comes to tweeting at a celeb, not everyone gets the thrill of receiving a response.
Did we say “thrill?” Because we should have said “potential to be publicly humiliated in front of millions online by a salty genius.”
And not everyone gets the greater thrill of getting roasted by Kelly Clarkson. In fact, some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Who knew she had it in her? She’s great at singing scorn and tweeting it as well!
Shaq Vs. Oprah
Shaq’s been retired for quite some time now, and that’s too bad. Mostly because he now has a way to hit those free throws.
All he has to do is pretend the basket is Oprah, and it’s an easy swish.
This is also a great low level troll. He’s commenting on her caps being on… while his name is written in all caps. Although, to be fair, whenever you say his name, you better yell it loud and proud.
You know, the sun is also a star. So they at least love them one.
Of course, in the universe there are billions upon billions of stars, so compared to that unfathomable number, one is practically zero. But it’s not.
It’s still one. Which means they still love them, even if it’s an entirely insignificant amount. They could have just said zero, but they didn’t. This means that there’s still a chance! Way to go! We’re rooting for you, friend!
Wendy's Tweets Back
We’re not sure how much sodium is in the typical Wendy’s hamburger, chili or order of French fries.
But we do know that their tweets are extra salty. They were able to quickly respond, without even mentioning that the initial tweet essentially says “you’re food is trash.”
You know you’re at another level of dishing out the salt when you can completely shut someone down and don’t even need to pull their trash grammar into the conversation.