Hard Truths About Growing Up
No one told us that growing up was going to be so rough. All we ever wanted was to be grown up and to finally be treated like adults. That or the fact that as an adult, we could eat ice cream for breakfast – and not wear a helmet while biking to school.
Well guess what? We still don’t eat ice cream for breakfast because then we feel nauseous on the way to work. And we still wear our bike helmets because we’ve seen the news and we don’t want to end up splattered on the road.
1. Fruit By The Foot
Remember how gigantic and magical the world seemed when you were young? We couldn’t wait to grow and to learn. “Adults had all the fun,” we thought. “When we’re grown up, everything’s gonna be even better and we can do whatever we want!” Well, it didn’t exactly turn out that way.
There are great parts of growing up, sure. But they came with a sad, sad price. Though puberty has helped us grow, it has only shrunken childhood treats. Thanks for nothing, adolescence.
2. Seinfeld Expectations
Movies and television shows taught us to see ourselves in the protagonists. We always envisioned ourselves as the heroes of our own story. But growing up has taught us that we’re not the main character, and it’s not even our own story.
We’re often just background players, lucky to even be around the leads. But hey, try to always look on the bright side. As long as you don’t dance like Elaine, you’re doing all right.
3. Pringles Problems
4. Poor Pup
5. Rocko's Job
Look, it was called Rocko’s Modern Life, not Rocko’s Perfectly G-Rated Life. Life isn’t all sunshine and cute sight gags, okay. Sometimes, you gotta go out and earn a living because rent isn’t going to pay for itself.
Your college degree in English is meaningless when it comes to making actual money and you have to take whatever gig comes your way. Sure, it’s not glamorous, but like the appliances on The Flintstones would say, “Eh… it’s a living.”
6. Outgrow Toys
The toys you used to love break. You start dating, your heart breaks. You go to work, your car breaks down. Why can’t life give me a break?! Imagine the heartbreak of wanting to grow up big and strong, drinking your milk every day to help along the process, only to see it leads to the destruction of everything you hold dear.
Now, imagine being a guy, and getting just tall enough to break all your favorite things, but be considered short by shallow ladies on Tinder. Curse you, fate!
7. Expectations vs Reality
When you grow up, you can have donuts whenever you want. It seems like a blessing until your arteries curse you. And if there are any teenagers reading this, please heed this warning from someone that used to be in your shoes: don’t grow up any more!
It’s terrible on this side. There’s rent and taxes. Stay immature forever. Acne is a small price to pay for not having to have a nine to five job 45 minutes away with traffic.
8. First Reality Check
“Also, I’m pretty sure my grandpa doesn’t really have my nose… And this whole Santa thing might not exactly be on the up and up. Also, why the heck would a bunny rabbit hide eggs? Why would they even have eggs in the first place? What’s the deal with Easter?
Also, why would a magical fairy that can enter a house undetected need children’s teeth? What would she even do with those? It’s creepy, right? I think… I think adults may be lying to us.”
9. When You (Don't) See It
I’m not sure why he’s bummed. Those kids are having the most horrifying flight of their lives! Look, imagination is a wonderful thing. It’s what gave us all our favorite characters from all the movies and television shows we love.
But you know what else imagination gives us? Night terrors about monsters in our closet. So take solace knowing that if your imagination is all but gone, at least you might be able to sleep better.
Instead of going to the principal’s office to get yelled at, you can go to your boss’s office and get fired. Then instead of finding another school to go to or just getting educated from home, you get to frantically search for new employment.
All while praying you can file for unemployment so you don’t lose your home, car and can still feed yourself and possibly your loved ones who are also in danger because they were foolish enough to depend on you. Well… feel better, son!
And $1 feels like another vending machine catered dinner. Although to be fair, this isn’t so much a product of growing up and changing your perspective as it is of out of control inflation from the time we were young to now.
Also, it’s only going to get worse, so in the future $100 will only feel like a penny to us. But hey, maybe we’ll finally get flying cars? We won’t be able to afford them, but that’d be cool at least.
12. So Many Jobs
Or you can just do it the D.W. way and be super annoying until you get everything you want. We used to always look down on her for her attitude, but honestly… she has the right idea. Sure, everyone hates her and she’s just the worst, but you can’t argue with results, can you?
The secret of life is enjoying it as much as you can, not just getting the most toys. Enjoy what you got, by any means necessary.
13. New Years Eve
New Years Resolution: Get more sleep… and fix that drool habit. Honestly, this is the best possible scenario. We didn’t know it at the time, but it’s true. What’s so great about staying up late?
Having to find a way home through ridiculous traffic full of potentially dangerous drunk drivers, just to wake up exhausted and hungover the next day? No thank you! Get a full night’s sleep and get a head start on those promises to yourself for the new year.
When you have a Happy Meal as a child, it’s cute. When you have one as an adult, it’s a cry for help. Remember when you were young you swore that when you grew up you were going to stay up all night, eat nothing but ice cream and never, ever, ever fall in love?
That seemed like the ultimate victory somehow. And when you achieve it… yeesh. We wish we had some better goals in mind in the past so we didn’t so perfectly predict our powerfully pathetic present.
15. Never Come Back
Childhood only happens once. But at least the memories last forever. Sure, it sucks that it’s over, but hey, cherish those happy memories. The fact those moments don’t last forever is what made them so special.
And just because you’re grown up doesn’t mean your inner child isn’t still in there. You ever bust out laughing when you hear a dog fart? Yeah… your inner kiddo is still in there, alive and well, all right.