Engagement Ring Piercings (Yes, Piercings) Are The Hot New And We Have No Idea Why
Once upon a time, on a random day like any other day, person #1 met person #2. The two felt a spark and decided to meet the following day for some coffee. The coffee never tasted better and the conversation was on point. The two went out again. Then again. Then they started dating and courted each other for a while and finally they decided to make it official. Eventually they fell in love, met the parents, moved in, got a dog and started thinking about the future. After some time, person #1 decided to lock it down and started looking for rings.
The wedding ring has been a symbol of love and commitment for more than 3,000 years. In ancient Rome they were often made of iron. During the Renaissance connected gimmel rings were all the rage. Now a sparkly diamond ring is the norm. Well, they may be the norm, but move over traditional weddings rings because there is a hot new trend that will prove that commitment can be painful.
Engagement Ring Piercings
What is that hot, new and painful trend that is changing the wedding ring game?
We are excited to tell you about engagement ring piercings. With this new trend, you will never run the risk of losing that beautiful ring because, well, it’s lodged under your skin!
That’s right, people. Nothing says “I love you” like taking a needle and shoving it through your body for all the world to see. Now THAT is commitment!
Love Is Pain
It is definitely the most painful way to exchange rings and it is certainly the most intense. Love is intense so…. why not?
There are many different kinds of engagement ring piercings. You can go light with a stud or a simple diamond or you can really go for it and embed some or all of an engagement ring beneath the surface of the skin.
How much do you love your partner? Huh? Just enough to get a little stud or so much that you must shove an entire ring in there? You decide.
A Bit Intense
Does this seem totally insane to you? Or do you understand why someone would break their skin for the person they love?
Look, marriage is a big deal. Don’t you want to show them that your commitment is more than just skin deep?
A ring is a ring. You can take it off, you can throw it in your bag or purse. But this, this would take a lot of hard work and some tears to get that thing off your finger. Ouch.
There's Nothing To It
Stop being so dramatic! There really is nothing to it. An engagement piercing is just a regular ole dermal piercing.
All you have to do is have a body piercer shove the diamond piece into your finger using a dermal anchor and there you have it!
Commitment for life. Or commitment until your finger gets infected, you need to have the ring removed, or even the infection is so bad that you need to have your finger amputated. Losing a finger for love? Now THAT is commitment.
Hurts So Good
The more painful looking kind of engagement ring piercing is one like the picture that you see here. It hurts just looking at it.
Look at that! You can see the rest of the ring underneath the surface of the skin. That can’t feel good.
We think that maybe one little diamond stud would do the trick? Or better yet, maybe none of this at all. Maybe go a more traditional route and just get a ring instead? Then again, what do we know?
Do Not Try This At Home
According to experts, the ring finger takes roughly a year to accept the embedded ring. That is, if the finger accepts the ring at all.
Risk factors include catching your finger on something and experience the most pain you’ve ever felt in your life. Think about it.
You need your fingers! Why should you put them at risk? There is enough suffering in this word. Just go ahead and buy a boring ring and call it a day.
Well, if you thought engagement ring piercings were the craziest wedding trend around, you have got it all wrong.
Did you know that someone invented bridal diapers? Yup, that’s right. Diapers for the bride so she can alleviate herself during the wedding without trying to figure out how to get her dress off.
We’re sorry but NO. This is why we can’t have nice things. I have an idea. Why not get a dress that isn’t so ridiculous that you can just figure out how to pee in it while wearing it?
Want to know another crazy wedding trend that borders on dangerous? Have you heard of Bridal Partyplasty?
No? That’s because we made up the name. But Bridal Partyplasty is a real thing. Brides are asking, and in some cases requiring their bridesmaids to get a little work done before their big day.
This is becoming so popular that plastic surgeons are even offering special wedding prices and packages for brides and their bridesmaids. Sounds like a lot of work.
Robot Wedding Officiants
Whenever someone gets married, one of the big questions is, “Who is going to officiate the wedding?”
Maybe a loved one will be happy to step in or a family’s favorite pastor will offer to do the job. There is a lot of pressure that comes with the job of officiating a wedding. A lot of pressure that a robot can’t feel.
Bride Sized Wedding Cakes
“Cousin Kathy looks so good in that wedding dress that she looks good enough to eat”… said no one ever.
Whoever came up the insane and slightly grotesque idea needs to be evaluated. This idea clearly came from the mind of a narcissist that decided that being a regular ole Bridezilla wouldn’t do the trick and they needed to step it up a notch.
Also, who would be able to eat that much cake anyway? You’ll be eating frozen pieces of cake that look exactly like you for the rest of your life. Even after your divorce.
Look out for flying brides! Forget about walking down the aisle, if you want to watch the bride get to her final destination, you are going to have to look up.
Look, every bride should be on cloud nine on their wedding day, but this is a bit much. Come down to earth, lady!
What’s next? Jumping out of plane. Actually that has been done before. What’s next? Bungee jumping off a bridge to exchange your vows?
Bungee Jumping Down The Aisle
Actually yes. Bungee jumping while exchanging your vows is next. Nothing says “I love you” like risking your life while making the commitment.
The problem is that your partner is risking their life too. Don’t these two risks just cancel each other out?
Here is a lovely idea. Why don’t you just rent out a barn somewhere with some greenery and a nice view, invite your friends and family, throw around some mason jars as centerpieces and call it a wedding? Because this idea is far too stupid.
Speaking of centerpieces, did you know that people are using live fish to decorate their tables? Little Nemos all over the place!
Here is a question. What happens to the fish when the wedding is over? Do they get to go home as party favors? Then maybe we can get behind this.
But still, these are live animals! They shouldn’t be used for decoration. You keep reading this article and we will reach out to PETA.
Using Live Butterflies
Speaking of contacting PETA, how are we all feeling about the trend of throwing out live butterflies while walking down the aisle?
Do you know that they freeze the butterflies to put them to sleep so when they arrive at your wedding, you can let them thaw out to wake them up so they can perform on cue?
When the plan is to freeze a bunch of butterflies for your entertainment, at some point you must realize that you’ve gone too far. Right?
Family Flash Mobs
You are getting married and planning a wedding. That’s it. This isn’t America’s Got Talent.
Your friends don’t want to fly in from across the country to learn a dance routine that they are going to have to do in heels. They want to drink and have fun and catch up with old friends.
Aunt Martha and Grandma Mae are tired. Their backs hurt, they can’t hear anything and they certainly don’t want to be the focus of a group number. Get a DJ, let everyone freestyle and call it a day.
Leave The Animals At Home
If you want your puppy to be your ring bearer, we get it. If you want them to be a part of the ceremony, let them.
But hiring an elephant to walk you down the aisle or a goat to deliver the ring is too much, people!
Keep your invites to friends and family only and save your money. That elephant has more important things to do with their day anyway. Like eat peanuts and stuff/
Ditching Tables And Chairs
Did you know that people are ditching tables and chairs at their weddings and sitting on picnic blankets instead?
While a picnic with your loved ones is a lovely idea and can be done sometime during the wedding weekend, you must have tables and chairs at the wedding. Didn’t we just talk about Martha and Mae’s back?
People want to sit and eat like adults. Save the picnic blankets for the little kiddies. Better yet, keep the kiddies at home and scrap the blanket idea all together.
The Champagne Tower
We would like to speak to whoever invented the worst invention of all time…the champagne tower.
We would also like to rename “the champagne tower” to “the scary tower of champagne that no one will ever touch because they are too afraid to be the person that knocks it over and ruins the wedding.”
Seriously. What a buzzkill. If you don’t want anyone to drink at your wedding, this is a perfect way to achieve that goal.
If you really want to put on a show, get a flying veil to wear on your wedding day.
Oh wait. This is a wedding and this is not a magic show. We keep forgetting!
But if the dress isn’t big enough and you need to really need to be the star of the show, look no further than a flying veil. Some people will OOOOOH. Other people will AHHHHH. And everyone else will be like, WTF is going on.
Glitter Wedding Clogs
And here is a wedding trend that will hope to kill right here, right now. Glitter wedding Clogs.
Clogs are for the kitchen. They are for the garden. They are for running errands. Maybe a boating adventure. But clogs on a wedding day? No, no, and more no.
Let’s dial this all down a notch. Fall in love. Buy a ring (or pierce one into your finger if you are into that kind of thing). Have a ceremony, have a reception and run away together. BIM BAM BOOM. Everything else is unnecessary. Except for that whole goldfish centerpiece thing. We are cool with that if we get to keep one.