Dog Muzzles That Look Like Human Faces Are A Hysterical Nightmare
Dogs. Need we say more? We talk about dogs a lot here at Sarcasm Society, and that’s because dogs are the best. We only deal in things that are the best, and dogs are it. Not only are they cute, but they’re helpful. They can fetch stuff for us, help ease anxiety, track down lost items and people or even bring you alcohol at the top of a frosty mountain to warm yourself up with as they drag you to safety. Do we watch too many old cartoons? Probably! But that still sounds great, doesn’t it? Dogs are the best.
However, while dogs are the best, they aren’t perfect. From time to time, your pup may have an accident in the middle of your living room and make a permanent stain on your carpet. Sometimes they destroy your blinds or chew up the corners of your couch. These are just minor annoyances, though. Some dogs have more severe behavioral issues, and more drastic steps need to be taken other than simple scoldings…
Sometimes when your best friend barks too much or is overly aggressive with other dogs and people, you have to put a muzzle on them.
It’s unfortunate, but necessary. Yet it breaks our heart to see the look of sadness on their faces while wearing these.
They’re like little cages for their faces, and we don’t like seeing our best friends in cages. But they’re needed, otherwise something worse may happen. Is there something we can do to make it better?
The standard dog muzzle makes them look like little Hannibal Lecters. It isn’t a great look.
Fortunately, there are all sorts of novelty muzzles you can put on your dogs’ faces instead. Take this one right here for instance.
It allows them to lick and breathe, but keeps them from being able to bark or bite. It even has a smile on it. There are all sorts of novelty muzzles, but not all of them are as cute as this one…
Now, you can get dog muzzles with human faces? Where? Amazon. Why? Amazon. They have literally everything, after all.
Look, we’re not gonna pretend that this isn’t hilarious, because it obviously is. Imagine this little lady walking around in your home wearing this.
We’re also not gonna pretend that this isn’t utterly horrifying and pure nightmare fuel. Don’t believe us? Imagine this little lady walking around in your home wearing this. You’d be in tears from laughter and terror.
Give Us A Kiss
We love corgis more than anyone, and when they lick our faces we’re happier than we ever thought possible.
But imagine this creature jumping towards your face. Yeah, you’d be running to the nearest church because you’d think holy water was the only way to repel this beast.
One reviewer on Amazon said, “This was fun! Worth every penny with all the laughs!!” Um… were they getting their laughs by scaring the soul out of everyone at their local dog park?
Oh good. Because that kissy face wasn’t unsettling enough, these muzzles come in a number of different expressions.
Here you can have a deeply disturbing grin. This dog doesn’t realize it’s making this face. They’re completely innocent in this scenario.
Yet, that doesn’t make us feel any better. Imagine waking up with this thing standing on your chest looking down on you while softly grunting. You’d assume you were about to be murdered, right? We’d just hope they did it quick, because this is obviously the grin of a sadist.
Do you remember the villainous Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban?
When he was transformed back into human form from being a rat, he still retained the rat-like front teeth. That was a creepy and haunting look.
Who the heck saw that and thought, “Hm, yes. I would love for my little angel to look like this monster. That would fill me with utter joy, and I’m sure they would appreciate it deeply as well. Great idea, me.”
Remember that gag from The Simpsons when Lisa needed braces and to convince her, the dentist showed her images from “The Big Book Of British Smiles?”
Yeah, this would fit right into that. Again, it’s hysterical. But it’s also unnerving.
We think we figured out why. It’s the eyes. The dog is still wearing a muzzle, so the giant grin isn’t reflected in their expression. So they look happy and unhappy at the same time, and it’s creating an uncanny valley effect in our brains.
Joke's On You
By the way, these muzzles come not only in different expressions, but in all sorts of different sizes as well.
So if you have a giant, extra furry doggo that you want to give the grin of the Joker to, have at it.
This is so creepy even Batman would nope right out of having to battle this thing. It looks like a Yeti that would take personal delight in devouring you. Or some kind of hyena/baboon hybrid. Stop it, already!
Can't Stop. Won't Stop.
We thought that seeing two dogs wearing the masks interacting would make us less afraid of them.
A type of immersion therapy, if you will. Instead, we think this is actually even scarier. Now we feel outnumbered by them.
This looks like gang members plotting a heist or armed robbery of some sort. If we turned the corner in an alley of any type of lighting, we’d assume we were at the wrong place at the wrong time and would quickly try to make peace with our maker.
Close But Also A Cigar
You can even get a human face muzzle that features your little dog chomping down on a cigar.
That can’t be legal. After all, you need to be at least 18 in the United States in order to purchase tobacco products.
And in dog years, a dog that age would be 126. Actually, if you live that long, you should smoke all you want. You’ve earned it by that point. He never drops that cigar because it’s his favorite treat, and he deserves it.
Want to get to new levels of unsettling? This is the way to do it.
Dressing up your dog in cure outfits is always fun and good for at least 100 likes on Facebook or Instagram. But not like this… not like this…
This looks like some French expressionist film from the 1920s. We’re not sure what type of a statement this is making on society and consumer, cosmetic culture, but we know that it isn’t cute. No likes for this on social media, please.
You know what’s even worse that your dog wearing a muzzle that looks like a human mouth?
Having them wear that while also wearing a wig. Look, we love owning dogs… but it feels a bit wrong saying that, doesn’t it?
We own them? But hey, they seem to enjoy it. But when they look this human, it feels more like they’re our hostages than our pets. Maybe that’s why they seem so creepy. They look like they’re plotting our murder so they can be free.
Oh, thank goodness. We were getting a little too on edge looking at all those creepy muzzles.
This muzzle is also available. How the heck is this less creepy and disturbing than all those human faced ones we’ve seen so far?
If your dog is a snarling beast, then cool. Sometimes dogs are like that. But you know what dogs are never like? Kissy ladies with too much lipstick or cigar chomping disgruntled fellas with a five o’ clock shadow.
We realize we’ve subjected you to a lot of terrifying pictures involving otherwise cute dogs.
We don’t want to ruin canines for you, so here’s a picture of a little cutie to remind you why they’re so great and why we love them.
Maybe this is the best muzzle option. Give them their favorite toy to bite onto. They never drop the thing even when you try prying it from their mouths, so perhaps this could work? That’d be nice, but not likely…
Ack! We're Back To This
So sometimes, muzzles are the only way to go. We don’t mean to entirely trash these things.
They are kiiiiiinda funny. And if you’d be interested in getting one (or several) for your furry friend, you can get them for $9.99 each on Amazon.
And in case you’re worries, these won’t harm your dog (only strangers’ opinions of them). They are made with your dog’s comfort and safety in mind, and both the muzzle’s nose and mouth are open, allowing them to safely breathe easy. So that’s one good thing about them at least. Yay, blind optimism!