Charmin Has Created A Toilet Paper Roll That Lasts Over A Month, Because Millennials
Why does everyone consider sliced bread to be the greatest invention of all time, so much so that all other great inventions must be compared to it? Any time a breakthrough is made that will greatly improve humans’ day to day conveniences, someone always chimes in with a, “This is the greatest thing since sliced bread!” What about indoor plumbing? If you eat too much bread you can get backed up, and when it finally comes unclogged, you’re gonna curse sliced bread for being too easy to consume and bless toilets for existing.
But you know what’s even better than toilets? Toilet paper. Many of us go camping for fun, and we wind up having to use the bathroom in the woods. Sure, indoor plumbing is preferable, but it isn’t entirely necessary. But you know what you always bring lots of on camping trips? Toilet paper. TP should be the benchmark for which other inventions’ greatness is judged by. However, even with an invention this great, bigger doesn’t mean better…
As great as TP is, it is a finite resource. At some point, you’re going to run low.
And we’re not just talking about a situation like this one that’s pictured here. This is the handiwork of a lazy roommate.
They know you have extra rolls in the apartment, but they just didn’t feel like changing it themselves. They left that responsibility up to you. What kind of inconsiderate monster would be responsible for such a reprehensible crime? Be careful before judging…
That type of roommate annoyance sounds like something a millennial would do, doesn’t it? Of course it does.
Millennials love trashing on millennials almost as much as other generations do, and they absolutely love it. Just look at us.
We grew up with all sorts of modern conveniences. We demand satisfaction, and we demand it now. We’re the generation of instant gratification. And we’re such a huge demographic that business cater to us. Even the toilet paper companies are diving in.
The Forever Roll
What the? Is this an optical illusion of some sort? Is that a tiny toilet?
Is this some kind of modern art exhibit meant to show the way that we overuse paper products and how terrible it is for the environment?
No way. This isn’t creativity, this is capitalism, which sometimes gets creative in the most terrifying way possible. This toilet paper roll is as large as it seems. Even worse: it’s for sale. Introducing Charmin’s Forever Toilet Paper Roll.
Are you making this face right now? So did we. And that’s not even the most shocking part of this bathroom behemoth.
This gigantic roll of toilet paper is targeted specifically at millennials. This Forever Roll is designed to last for an entire month.
That means that if you have an annoying roommate that never changes the roll when it goes empty, you only have to deal with that every other fortnight. Not that many millennials know what a fortnight is, of course.
Human For Comparison
Here’s a living, breathing human holding this thing so you can see just how massive a roll “forever” really is.
Rob Reinerman, Director of Innovation, Proctor & Gamble Family Care says, “Since our TP can last up to one month, that means it takes up less room for storage than a larger pack of TP would.
And the Forever Roll can be delivered directly to your address to save the hassle of carrying TP and other purchases into your home.”
Yes, you read the last part of that statement correctly. The Forever Roll can be delivered directly to your home.
Why? Look, there are going to be a lot of questions raised the deeper we delve into this story.
To save each other a lot of time, understand the answer to all of these queries is “because millennials.” We are lazy and don’t like to go shopping. So this means that the toilet paper can come right to us now.
Killing In Bulk
Millennials have been accused of killing the mayo, engagement ring and even the doorbell industries.
With this, we may also be blamed for killing the buying in bulk businesses. Just think about Costco. We love Costco, don’t we?
It allows us to get a ton of items for cheap, so not only do we save money, but also save time from having to leave our houses to restock all the time. But thanks to the Forever roll, we may never have to leave our homes again for TP necessities.
Is It Our Fault?
But let’s defend our millennial honor here. The reason we aren’t spending tons of money is because… we don’t have tons of money.
The generations before us had it way easier financially, and we work hard for what we have.
So what if we like brunches that include avocado toast? They help us relax and forget about how we’ll never be able to afford a home or retire. Although, they do mess with our stomachs, and cause us to need lots of toilet paper. Back to the story…
Different experts and market analysts think this isn’t shameless pandering, but a wise decision on Charmin’s part, taking note of the demographic’s needs.
“As far as silly millennial-targeted marketing goes, this is pretty spot on,” wrote The Cut’s Gabriella Paiella.
“We live alone in small rentals because we can’t afford to buy real estate, we’re constantly working so we have limited time to run errands, and we LOVE using the bathroom.”
Reinerman said, “Consumer-products companies are taking note, catering to what they see as a lucrative market for single-person households by upending generations of family-focused product development and marketing.
Appliance makers are shrinking refrigerators and ovens. Food companies are producing more single-serving options. Household-product makers are revamping packaging.”
What does this mean? It means that they’re paying attention to the needs of consumers, and what consumers need is a product that lasts longer, and gives them more space. And the Forever Roll does just that..
Large But Compact
The roll is “8.7 or 12 inches in diameter, compared with roughly five inches for conventional rolls.”
However, even though it is larger, it “can sit between toilet and wall — unused space in nearly any bathroom, P&G researchers found.”
The Forever Roll’s single-user size holds 850 sheets per roll, nearly twice the amount of the of the brand’s Super Mega size roll. But even though it is taller, it is narrow, allowing it to fit in a cramped bathroom and free up space extra rolls would take.
Okay, so this thing is ridiculous, but also kind of practical. Only one problem: how the heck do you dispense TP from a roll this large?
Charmin thought of this, and their web site promotes Forever Roll starter kits that come with customized wall mounts or a freestanding base to accommodate it.
And because we millennials love a subscription service, they even have one for this. Their “subscribe & save” option includes free shipping in the U.S., and automatically delivers three rolls every three months for $13.17, before tax.
And on top of all this, it seems that these are also more environmentally friendly.
That’s important, and we millennials love protecting the environemnt (we know, we’re the worst, right?) Rachel Hampton at Slate chimed in, pointing out that,
“The Forever Roll suggests a shifting tide, not toward new ‘innovations’ that require more plastic packaging, but toward smartly portioned products that actually makes sense for the ‘party for one’ more and more of us are throwing these days.”
Not All Sunshine Up The Backside
However, not all of the reviews for the Forever Roll are as glowing as we’ve seen.
First of all, can you imagine someone coming into your home and using your bathroom, only to find this? That’d be kind of embarrassing, right?
This roll is the size of those rolls you see in nasty, crowded public bathrooms. When designing a restroom, the last thing you want people to think of is adding to the growing collection of graffiti on the germ-filled walls.
Decide For Yourself
So what do you think of the Forever Roll? It’s not yet available in stores, but you can get it online.
Do you feel it’s worth the absurdity of the roll’s appearance to be able to get enough TP that you don’t have to replace it for months at a time?
Either way, can we at least leave millennials alone and stop blaming us for everything that happens these days? Some of these theories are such BS you’d need a Forever Roll to wipe it all up.