20 Tweets About Marriage That Are Painfully True
Aren’t weddings magical? They feel like the ending to a romantic fairy tale where our two heroes overcame so many treacherous obstacles and wound up together and will now live happily ever after. Well, that’s the feeling weddings are going for. And if you’ve never been to one and are young and naive, they can certainly come off that way. But if you’re married, you know better. This isn’t the ending, it’s just the beginning.
We’re not saying that marriage can’t be fun. In fact, it often is. It just isn’t what we were expecting. Growing up, we look forward to getting married because of the wedding. It’s essentially just a big party. But the marriage is where all the cleanup and the post-party reality settles in. Not sure what we’re talking about? If you’re ever going to get married, you will. Until then, here’s a collection of tweets that illustrate the actual realities of marriage and what you have to look forwards to…
Sharing Is Caring
It’s best to think of your marriage as a partnership. And in any good partnership, there’s an even split of responsibilities.
This couple gets it. It’s been over a decade and a half, but some mental scars never go away.
It’s so considerate and sweet of her to make sure he doesn’t have to try and carry that burden again. May we all find someone as compassionate and not in the least bit sarcastic like this angel right here.
We’ve all (hopefully) been in a relationship and experienced that honeymoon phase at the beginning.
You’re over the moon for them and will go out of your way to constantly make romantic gestures and show them that you care.
That doesn’t last forever, but from time to time you try to be sweet and do the things you used to do. Just make sure that not too much time passes in between, otherwise they’ll assume something terrible has happened.
Any marriage counselor worth their paycheck will tell you that marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership.
But you’re not going to listen to them just because they have a wall full of diplomas and awards and years of on the job experience, are you?
Marriage is like living in the jungle. You have to immediately establish that you’re the alpha and spend every waking hour preventing them from knocking you off the top of the mountain. That’s a healthy relationship.
See, what did we just tell you? You have to establish yourself as the alpha.
Now she has two kittens, and those little adorable nightmares are going to be trained to be her minions in the war for maintaining dominance.
They will gladly snitch on this guy for any transgression he makes. Dogs are loyal and neutral creatures, but cats can be bought. Hopefully he can climb his way back up from this rut he’s in. Doesn’t marriage seem fun?
“What? We got those kittens that you wanted, and I think it’s only fair that I got this dog.
And if I’m going to have this dog and care for it myself, I want to give him the best life possible.
What, you want me to get department store jeans for my best bud? No way! He deserves designer denim with the holes in the knees. I don’t want the other dogs teasing him for not being stylish enough.”
Wait Your Turn
“Okay, I’m gonna do my best to get through this statement while I still have my 11 seconds of allotted brain time.
You see, marriage is important for men because it helps us temper our less than intelligent decisions.
Having someone by our side who- oh no… I feel the brain slipping away. It’s only a matter of time before I revert to argh, derp bagh ah ha ha ha, lookit this rock. It’s round and hard. I wanna throw it!”
Yeah, before you get married, you think you’ve got a pretty good handle on yourself and how to live your life.
However, once you tie that knot, you learn that there’s always ways to better yourself… and that there’s always something you’re doing wrong.
The milk? Yeah, put in in so the handle is facing outward. Peanut butter? That doesn’t belong in the fridge, you silly goose. The way you hang the toilet paper roll? Oh boy, there’s the subject of countless fights.
How Was Your Day?
It’s nice when you’re married and your significant other asks how your day was when you get home.
However, you don’t have to wait for them to ask. It should be implied, so go ahead and barge in on them and unload each and every minor form of stress you experienced over the past eight or so hours.
Even if they’re in the bathroom, go ahead and bust on in and start a conversation. Boundaries in marriage are like boundaries between countries: they’re made up, so cross them whenever you like.
“Um, I was going to say that I was going to Tacoma to see Sheila and her new baby.”
“Oh… well, there should be some tacos on the way. Why don’t you pick me up a bunch on your way back?”
“Do you want to just come with me? You’ve been putting this off for weeks. It’s your nephew, after all?”
“Nah, I’m busy. But seriously, bring me back those tacos. Super important to keep my calories up while playing Fortnite.”
“How many times do I have to tell you? I’m trying to give them the best life possible.
You know it helps them go to bed. Their torn jeans aren’t the most comfortable thing to sleep in, so they need this.”
“Ugh, okay fine. Whatever.”
“(To himself) Wait… did she just let me get away with this? Muahaha. The tide is shifting. Soon, I will be the alpha. Wait, did that cat just hear me say that? You better not tell her!”
When you’ve been married for a long time, it’s inevitable your brain will become overfilled with all the responsibilities you need to keep track of.
So, naturally, you’ll occasionally do things without thinking. When you do, don’t panic. Put a positive spin on it.
Instead of admitting fault, tell them that this is actually a benefit and it’s a good thing you did it. Tell her that she should be relieved that you won’t be getting pregnant now. You’re welcome.
What Really Matters
While it’d be nice to say you have deep conversations on important topics such as politics and religion, the truth is after a while you know their opinions on the matter.
Heck, you probably share them, and that’s why you two fell in love and are still married.
But the really important stuff you never thought of becomes an issue. Such as what type of Oreos to get. You don’t want to have multiple packs and have that temptation laying around, so picking just the right flavor becomes a years-long debate.
Look, we don’t think your significant other should try to invalidate your opinions on anything.
That said, sometimes you have trash opinions and you need to be put in your place as quickly as possible before you get any worse ideas.
When you’re asked what you want for dinner and your answer is, “Cottage cheese with chocolate whey protein powder stirred in and Swedish fish on top,” then yeah, she should absolutely tell you that you’re wrong and need to be stopped.
You should never take your significant other for granted. Tell them each and every day you love them and appreciate them.
Of course, people have different ways of doing that. Sometimes it’s saying it face to face and hugging them.
And other times? It’s laying in bed next to them while completely ignoring them in person, but sending them a funny dog meme via Facebook instead of just turning three inches and showing it to them. Eh, whatever works for you.
After a while, you start to think that your bae is living inside your head rent-free and knows exactly what you need.
So something as unimportant as actually being able to hear what you said because you whispered your request on the opposite side of the house shouldn’t be an issue.
Yet, it still is, so you get annoyed that you have to walk over and repeat yourself in an audible volume to their face. Ugh, why can’t we all read minds, yet?
Look, no matter how much you love your significant other, they’re going to do things that get on your nerves.
But when they’re gone, even for a short period of time, you start to miss even their grating quirks.
So you start to do things that remind you of them when you’re apart. Luckily, it’s just an annoying TV channel in this case. Sometimes you don’t like how they leave all their back hair in the sink drain, and getting that while they’re away poses problems.
I Told You So
Look, we’d like to sit here and pretend that you’re always going to listen to and follow every piece of advice given by your significant other.
But human beings are rebellious creatures by nature, and sometimes we get into scuffle with other creatures that have claws.
When you learn that your significant other was correct in their assessment, the best thing to do is admit it. However, no one likes being told, “I told you so,” so lying is often the response.
Not Our Problem
Schadenfreude is a German expression for that feeling you get when you derive pleasure from other people’s suffering.
It’s not a moral quality to brag about, but when you’re married with kids, sometimes all the pleasure has been sucked from your life so you need to find it wherever you can get it.
Some kid is crying and it isn’t your responsibility to deal with? Yeah, sit back and enjoy the moment, because it definitely won’t last much longer.
Learning And Growing
If you want to figure out your bad habits, you don’t need to spend money on a therapist.
You can just go and get yourself hitched. They’ll be more brutally honest with your failings than any medical professional ever could.
They’ll also point out the petty stuff you never even knew about. For example, did you know you are annoying with the way you sleep? And even though there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s important for them that you know.
When you take your marriage vows, you promise to love them until the day you or they die.
And when you don’t want to break a promise, that continued breathing is a never-ending reminder that they have to stick to their commitments.
But hey, marriage isn’t all pettiness and passive-aggressive asides. It’s actually quite nice to have someone there for you. We just thought you should get a more full picture of what you’re getting yourself into before taking the plunge.