20 Too True Tweets About Tequila
Ah, alcohol. As Homer Simpson so eloquently put it, it’s the “cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.” While alcohol can be dangerous if over-consumed and especially if someone imbibes before getting behind a wheel, the vast majority of people that drink are able to do it in moderation and have a good time while doing it. Well… we guess that’s not entirely true. It depends entirely what they’re drinking. Because one spirit is not like the rest.
We’re of course referring to tequila. We don’t know what it is about this devil juice, but it lowers our inhibitions lower than we thought possible and hits us harder during the hangover no matter how little we thought we consumed. If you’re not familiar with the joys and terrors of tequila, we’ve assembled a series of tweets that will make anyone who’s ever been there look and say, “Same.”
Tequila can be such a bully, can’t it? You just wanted to go out, have a few drinks and enjoy your evening with some friends.
Then tequila shows up and is all like, “That’s some nice money you got there. Give it to me.
Oh, I like that shirt. How about I throw up all over it. Why are you crying? Don’t worry, you won’t remember a thing. But everyone else? They will, and won’t ever let you forget what you can’t even remember.”
“Mommy? What is tequila and why does it make you not want to go to work in the morning?
Is… is tequila bad? Is it a bad thing for bad people? I know I’m only six, but I’m judging everyone in here.”
“No, no, no, Dylan. Tequila is actually a magical elixir. It can make other people prettier and you nicer. Plus, you shouldn’t judge too harshly, because if it wasn’t for tequila, then you would have never been born.”
Welcome To Paradise
Good tequila is expensive, and it’s hard to justify spending that much money on a drink.
But it’s not just a drink, is it? Nope! It’s an airport in a bottle. Sometimes, that’s almost literally true when you think about blackouts.
You wake up miles from home with a maxed out credit card and no idea how you got to where you are… wherever that may be. Tequila is the worst travel agent ever, yet they’re still better than Spirit Airlines.
It’s true. Tequila has a way of turning you into a superhero. When you’re sober, you’d never do this.
But drunk on this evil liquor, you lose any fear and trepidation you might have and charge straight into danger with not hesitation.
You consume more dollar menu items than any mere mortal should be able to. And what happens? You get sick… when the tequila wears off! Is this a spirit or the super soldier serum? The verdict is still out.
Can you really blame the elf? They’ve literally been slaving away at the North Pole all year.
They’ve had to make toys for all the children of the world, and this is their only night off. Of course they’re gonna get turnt up.
This dude wishes he could go, but he’d regret it if he did, since things are gonna get mighty naughty. When you make the toys, you don’t need to worry about winding up on the nice list.
When you’re not sure how certain alcohols will settle in your stomach, a nursery rhyme helps.
Yes, this one has a very strange, back-loaded, and nonexistent rhyme and rhythm structure, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
Do whatever you need to in order to commit this to memory, because it just may save you in the future from dumping too much information involuntarily on some poor onlookers who are just trying to wait for their Uber to show up.
Honestly, we’re not sure. We just know that margaritas involve tequila and some fruity stuff.
Gatorade is fruity stuff, so we’ll allow it. Heck, by this definition, tequila mixed with melted Skittles is also a form of margarita.
Anything can be a margarita if you believe. Is it a terrible idea? Sure. But so is tequila on its own. At least this way you’ll get some more colors in your vomit later that night. Diversify your drunken mistakes, friends!
“Welcome back to this week’s episode of ‘The Tequila Whisperer.’ Today, the tequila is saying what it says every week.
Now, tequila is an easily agitated specimen, so we don’t want to get on its bad side, lest it attacks us from the inside out in the morning.
We better do what it tells us. Now, while my ex has blocked my number, she hasn’t blocked me on Linkedin yet, so we’re gonna shoot her a message over there.”
Beauty In Brevity
You know, Shakespeare once said that, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” At least we thought it was Shakespeare.
It may have been Kermit the Frog. Yeah, Shakespeare and the Muppets were always spewing off quotable gems like that.
Either way, this person perfectly summed up everyone’s relationship with tequila in only four words, which is especially impressive considering how that liquid tends to make you ramble like we’re doing right now. Whatever, it’s our birthday, don’t you judge us!
You know, we keep seeing examples of how tequila has led to depravity and disaster.
How about we give it up for the times that tequila has inspired something other than nude and lewd chicanery? This quote is Shakespeare and Muppet worthy.
Of course, the fact that tequila is so vile that it immediately needs something following it to wash the taste out of your mouth might mean you don’t want to compare yourself to it. Still, nice quote, though.
Yes, tequila may or may not have inspired some people to defecate into our neighbor’s above ground pool (you still can’t prove it was us, Larry).
But you know what else it inspires? Poetry! Poetry is all about evoking imagery and emotion.
While this is sparse on words and descriptive language, the title involving tequila fills in all the blanks that needed to be filled in. We immediately know there was stumbling, regret and an above ground pool… allegedly.
They say that alcohol is just empty calories. It’s especially bad for your diet because it often leads to late night ill-informed food consumption.
But you know what else it can lead to? Exercise? What is it about tequila that makes you want to dance?
We don’t know, but it helps us burn calories, so we’re not gonna question it. We will, however, rue the fact that dancing while not being able to stand up straight usually leaves us face down on the dance floor.
Yeah, drunken tequila stories are hilarious when you’re in your youth. But then one day… you grow up.
Then you have kids of your own and realize they too will one day try this elixir of the demons.
And how are you going to tell them they shouldn’t? Your parents warned you, but did you listen? You just have to hope that they’re smarter than you were. Maybe show them all these tweets so they can get a true idea of what they’re in for.
Better Way Of Looking At It
Did you know that tequila is made from blue agave? Because up until a Google search 30 seconds ago, we sure didn’t.
Yes, that does make us feel better about putting it in our body when we think about it like that.
The problem is everything else we put in our bodies when we’ve had too many shots (get your mind out of the gutter). We tend to combine everything in our fridge. This has to be how peanut butter and pickle sandwiches were invented.
You know, when most people get tequila drunk, they tend to do this sort of thing with no warning whatsoever.
So it’s actually pretty refreshing that they gave you a heads up at least five minutes ahead of time so you could prepare.
Better hide the kids and distract the elderly. We tried telling everyone that serving tequila at a church fundraiser was a bad idea, and now we’re gonna have to give them a hearty, “We told you so.”
Happy Birthday, Moose!
Why would you even bother getting your dog drunk on tequila? Could you even tell the difference?
You can only tell a human is drunk on tequila when they start acting like a dog. Let’s tally it up, shall we?
They get overly affectionate, don’t respect personal space, will eat literally anything and you have to make sure they don’t go to the bathroom all over someplace they shouldn’t. Yup, it’s official: Tequila is a potion that transforms you into a pooch on the inside.
Do Not Mix
Tequila goes great with some lime and salt or even some fruity concoction to make a margarita.
You know what it doesn’t pair well with? Feelings of insecurity, existential dread, and loneliness. That’s a recipe for disaster only.
You think you can drink the way you used to when you were younger. Sadly, you didn’t drink that well back then either, and you still had the energy to deal with it better. These days? Stick to virgin tomato and clam juice, pal.
Isn’t science fun? When trying to prove something, the scientific method is always the way to go.
You develop a theory, test it, look at the results and then draw a conclusion. Sounds boring, but it doesn’t have to be.
For example, during this scientific study, this researcher not only found the truth and disproved a pervasive myth, but they also had a new mystery to solve, namely: where did their underwear run off to last night?
This looks like another job for science!
We all have an Aunt Pam. Her name might not actually be Pam, but she’s Pam as heck.
She’s single, she’s drunk, and she wants to change the former in a hurry and has no shame in how she does it.
Be careful when you’re drunk. Especially now that we’re all living in the age of social media. We have a way of recording our own most embarrassing moments and sharing it with our friends and family. Dang it, tequila. You bully, you struck again!
In all seriousness, you shouldn’t use tequila as a coping mechanism. Heck, it shouldn’t be used as any type of mechanism.
It’s a dangerous substance that we abuse ourselves with. And yet… we keep on coming back to it time and time again.
It’s a shame it’s such a bully to us. But it’s the bully with a heart of gold. Yeah, it’s mean, but it’s also fun. And we keep thinking it will change, yet it never, never does.