15 Foods That Have No Business Being Called Food
Can we all just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are to be living in this day and age? Sure, things aren’t perfect, but we have conveniences at our disposal our ancestors would have never been able to dream of in their wildest imaginations. There is perhaps no better example of this than modern grocery stores. These meccas are filled with so much food that they can’t even get rid of it all.
Hundreds of years ago, being fed wasn’t a given for any family. You had to farm and hunt to get your meals, and those meals were rarely delicious, but they kept you alive, so you were grateful. However, we’ve become so hedonistic in our culinary consuming ways that we make foods that are so repulsive that even our desperate ancestors would take one look at them and go, “Um… naaaah.” These following foods have no business being called food at all.
Cereal With Ice Cubes
Trigger warning: Hopefully you’re not about to eat, because these pictures will make you lose your appetite.
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but as you can see, not everyone takes that so seriously.
The whole challenge of eating cereal is to consume it quickly before it becomes gross and soggy. Yet, that’s not challenging enough, so this person is adding ice so that it can get even soggier, and with water at that. Effing yuck.
Cereal With Orange Juice
As if adding ice cubes to cereal wasn’t bad enough, this person had to escalate the “How Can We Ruin Breakfast?” game.
Look, a bowl of cereal coupled with a cool glass of OJ is an excellent start to your day.
Of course it’s stressful when you’re running late, but combining those two things to save time is not the answer. This will actually take longer to finish considering how much you’re going to dry heave between each and every bite.
Cereal With Cheese
What a grrrrrrreat idea! Dairy helps build strong bones, so adding more to your cereal means extra calcium!
Hopefully you realize this is a joke and don’t immediately start throwing Kraft singles into all your Kellogg’s products. This is an abomination.
If you want to know what first world privilege looks like, feast your eyes (but not your stomachs) on this mess. What a waste of food. Even if they eat it, it’s still a waste and they should be even more ashamed.
Waffles With Pasta Sauce
Oh, and here you thought that the breakfast nightmares would end with the cereal. Nope!
What the heck does this person have against maple syrup? Or peanut butter and jelly? Or any number of other acceptable waffle toppings?
The worst part about this is that it doesn’t even look like good pasta sauce. This appears to be plain, bland tomato sauce poured straight out of the can and served cold. That little addition of parsley doesn’t make it any more visually appealing.
Okay, the waffles with pasta sauce was gross, but at least they tried to make it look presentable.
What in the name of in-her-prime Barbara Streisand even is this? Apparently putting cured pork circles in pancake batter makes them difficult to cook.
It’s as if the elements themselves are letting you know how wrong this is and are refusing to cooperate. Congrats, you found a flavor combo so vile that inanimate concepts are revolting against you in moral protest.
Peanut Butter, Pickle And Sriracha Sandwich
Okay, so sometimes you can’t help but skip breakfast in the morning. That means you have to have a good lunch.
This right here? This isn’t a good lunch. This isn’t a good snack and it isn’t even a good concept.
This seems like something you might think a stereotypical pregnant woman might crave… that is if you’ve never met a pregnant woman. Any expecting mother-to-be wouldn’t let their unborn child feast upon this, because that would be needlessly cruel.
Pickles, Goldfish And Mayo Sandwich
You know how sometimes late at night you’re hungry but don’t have a lot of food in the house?
Yeah… there are times when it’s better to just go to bed hungry than combine what you can find laying around.
Imagine biting into this. The creaminess of the mayo combined with the vinegar flavor and chewiness of the pickles topped off with the salty crunch of the goldfish crackers. It’s like an adventure for your taste buds… where no one survives.
Ice Cream Salad
This is still disgusting, but at least it’s the least disgusting thing we’ve seen so far.
That’s not much of a compliment, though. It’s an incredibly low bar to clear. This one is at least easy enough to understand.
Ice cream isn’t healthy. Salad is healthy. Maybe if you combine them you can somehow trick your body into thinking that you’re being healthy? Sadly, your body is smarter than you give it credit for, and it ain’t gonna buy this nonsense.
Pear, Mayonnaise, Cheese And Cherry Fruit Salad
“Okay, hear me out: it’s kind of like a loaded baked potato, but with fruit instead!
We keep the cheese, replace the bacon with cherries and top it off with mayonnaise instead of sour cream. How does that sound?”
“Jerry, you’ve been with the company for 35 years. You’ve helped build us into what we are today. For that, we’ll be forever grateful. That said, I just called security, and they’re going to throw you out of the building through the sixth floor window. Good day.”
Mushroom, Peaches And Blue Cheese In Strawberry Vinaigrette
Up until now all of these macabre mixtures have seemingly been done by folks at home.
This one is a bit more alarming, since it appears to be from a store that has the audacity to try and charge people for it.
Was this the person’s first day on the job and their supervisor didn’t think to make sure they didn’t do anything to destroy the reputation of their store? What kind of a combo even is this? What meat would you eat this with?
Pork And Gummy Bear Sausages
Well, it appears that this is the meat you would combine that side dish with.
The best way to prepare these two items is to group them together in giant, generous heaping servings… directly into the trash can.
Is this a deli run by an eight year old? This doesn’t even make sense logistically. Let’s say the flavor of gummie bears with pork sausage is delicious. By putting it in the raw meat, that means you have to cook them, which would melt them, you fool.
Twinkie Wiener Sandwiches
This food item was invented and popularized in the 1989 “Weird Al” Yankovic movie UHF.
In case you needed to be told, that film was a comedy, and this food was supposed to be a joke. Yet, people actually eat it in real life.
That yellow stuff isn’t mustard, by the way. It’s string cheese from a can that’s sprayed on the hot dog in the Twinkie. In the movie, “Weird Al” ate it after dipping it in milk, so… there’s that element to also consider.
As you can see, we here at Sarcasm Society pride ourselves on finding the funniest and weirdest things the internet has to offer.
We then present it to you with our trademark acerbic, pithy commentary to heighten your understanding and enjoyment of the content.
However, there’s a first time for everything, and this might be one of those firsts. We have no words for what we’re witnessing here. Let’s all just move along and pretend none of this ever happened.
Cinnamon Banana Pizza
Remember that old episode of Doug on Nickelodeon when he discovered that bananas on pizza were delicious?
He even dipped a banana in marinara and ate it. As kids, we thought that might have been great, but anyone who tried it learned better.
Anyone except the folks that run this restaurant, apparently. They even decided to throw cinnamon on there, because why not? How dare they make something this disgusting and then try charging poor, unassuming customers who don’t know any better for it.
Pizza On Pineapple
The whole debate over pineapples on pizza is ridiculous. If you like it, great. It doesn’t hurt anyone who doesn’t enjoy it.
However, pizza on pineapples? This does hurt, because it’s a slap in the face to fans of tropical fruits and pizza everywhere.
Way to ruin two perfectly good things. The only upside to this is if our ancestors somehow saw it, thought this was the only food available in the future and it made them feel better about their situation.