Here is a collection of the best sarcastic quotes you'll find anywhere. As the list has grown longer, I realized that not all good quotes have to be sarcastic, so I've added a page of just simply funny quotes. Hopefully you'll enjoy these as much as the sarcastic quotes.
“It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”
- Paul Newman
“I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.”
- Stephen Bishop
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
- Abba Eban
“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”
- Groucho Marx
“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.”
- Groucho Marx
“A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.”
- Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”
- Groucho Marx
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
- Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
- Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
- Groucho Marx
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
- Groucho Marx
“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”
- Groucho Marx
“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”
- Frank Zappa
“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
- Oscar Wilde
“I am not young enough to know everything.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”
- Oscar Wilde
“He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.”
- Victor Borge
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
- Mark Twain
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