Are you dating anyone? Seeing anyone special? That's okay, you'll find the can of your dreams one of these days and you will knock their socks off. Or shall I say blow their "lid off"? That's okay. I hate me too for trying to make that joke work.
We can put a man on the moon, but why can't we get a printer work for more than a few months? I think it's some sort of conspiracy so we will have to buy more ink and paper and eventually have to get another printer. The printing materials are all conspiring against us!
I don't want to speak to half of my co-workers, let along see what they did in the bathroom. Really people? You need a sign to remind you to flush? You are ANIMALS, I tell ya! But way to have some fun with it.
When you work in an office, all of a sudden that $10 mug feels like it is some precious special mug made of gold. Your pen is worth millions. Your stapler is a fragile piece of art and shouldn't be touched. You better guard that reindeer mug with your life because your office mates are clearly after it.
Let's just state this here and now and move on! You use a dish, you clean and dish and you put a dish away. Got it? If you don't, your co-workers will make a meme out of you. And nobody wants to be a meme.
Damn Debbie, it looks like your entire office is onto you. So you like to nibble? You like to try new, exotic foods? This isn't a tasting room, sweetheart. Bring your own lunch and eat that and only that. They are one step away from them forming a coup against you.
I mean, come on! You asked for it. There is already a sarcasm issue in the office, it's almost as if you did that on pur.... wait a minute. YOU DID do that on purpose, didn't you? Did you? Okay, you win the Sarcasm Award. Congratulations.
Somewhere in our lifetime we learned that if something doesn't work for us we should destroy it until it's broken. Why not just sit patiently? Restart it? Take a deep breath. Pray that it will work? Anything but breaking it, you dumb dumb.
This fridge thief does not discriminate when it comes to food. Hot dogs, yogurt, green juice... bring it on! This thief has a taste for anything, just as long as it is not theirs and alone and vulnerable in the fridge.
As if old ketchup isn't sad enough. Way to rub it in. It was once young ketchup and everyone thought that it was delicious and smelled fine. Someday you'll be old ketchup too and you will know how it feels. Have some compassion!
This is the ultimate "I don't give AF." It's funny because we don't work there, but could you imagine having a cubicle next to this guy? I'm sure that they complain all day but you have to keep all comments and complaints to yourself. Lame!
Wait, this is deep. Why is there more than one microwave in the office if you can only use one at a time? I really can't think of one good reason. Isn't it taking up space? It's a tease too. Take the second microwave away, please! It's far too tempting to not use. We are only human and we are doing our best.
You are lucky to even have a dishwasher, so why not use it? It's so easy. You rinse and load and then the machine does all the work for you. Don't be a jerk. Especially to Brian. Brian is nice and needs a little break. Be nice to Brian.