OP-ED: Oh, But If We Had A "White" Friday, People Would Complain

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Since the early 2000's, Black Friday has been the busiest shopping day of the year. Every year, Americans head to stores at the stroke of midnight, searching for deep discounts and once-in-a-lifetime bargains.

However: the moment I start calling for a "White Friday," everybody becomes uncomfortable.

What's so wrong with wanting a little bit of fairness? Has "outrage culture" become such the norm that it's verboten to advocate for shopaholic equality?

In other words: how come it's OK to call it "Black Friday," but when I go around my neighborhood wishing people a happy "White Friday," they slam the door in my face?

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I don't get it. I honestly don't. 

I'm just your regular, run-of-the-mill unemployed divorced dad who may have partied too much in his 40's. But when I drive around my town, putting up flyers that say, "Happy White Friday...White's Alright!" people give me funny looks. God help me, they even call the cops (who I've spoken to dozens of times about this -- pretty sure they're on my side!)

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White Magic Woman. White & Decker Dustbusters. The Pot Calling The Kettle White. Whiten Luther King, Jr. What makes these things so different than their black equivalents? A little thing called "reverse racism," which is not only real, it's killing our outer-city youth. Can't we all just get along? Who benefits from our nation's total lack of a "White Friday?"

Enough is enough. This November 27th, I'm asking each and every one of you to boycott Black Friday. Instead, stay at home and enjoy some quality time with your family, perhaps around plates of white rice, Wonder Bread, or the music of Taylor Swift. Show the world that equality still has a place in our society -- preferably, over heaping bowls of Cool and/or Miracle Whip spooned straight from the container.

This November 27th, let's put the "White" (that may not have been there to begin with) back in "White Friday."

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