When planning for your future, it's important to plan ahead, and think about both short and long term plans, often this means starting with a five-year plan —
JUST KIDDING. You really think making a five-year plan is going to get you a good career? Yeah, right. With this economy, your bull shit liberal arts degree and overall mediocrity, you're more likely to successfully keep a carnival goldfish alive for over a week then get a job. So why not quit the job hunt while you're ahead and pick up a different type of pastime? Like getting blackout drunk? Hear me out, getting black out drunk will not only help you forget about your failures, but you might also wake up from your drunken stupor with a job! (That's as likely as you landing a job through conventional means in this crowded market anyways). So sit back and raise a glass with these drinks to forget about your five-year, or any, plan.
Mike's Hard Lemonade has a bad reputation for having too much sugar and not enough alcohol. But you're unemployed and Mike's is cheap, especially if you buy them in the jumbo packs. And if you get teased for drinking this "girl-y" drink, just remember, that's not quite as humiliating as going to pointless job interviews for weeks on end!
It doesn't matter what's in an Adios Motherfucker — or AMF for short — all that matters is by the time you finish your glass, you won't remember your first name let alone the fact that you're unemployed. AMFs tend to be a little on the pricier side, but your money is buying you a higher alcohol content and a fun blue color that says, "drinking is my job now."
Double fisting is frowned upon, but sometimes one drink just isn't strong enough to erase your self-loathing. That's when putting one drink into another drink can come in handy. This tricks those around you into thinking you have it together — which obviously you don't or else you wouldn't be day drinking this margarita-beer concoction on a Wednesday!
If you're having a particularly rough night, don't beat around the bush with mixed drinks to keep up appearances. Who cares if a picture of you trashed ends up on the Internet? It's not like you'll have future employers doing background checks on you. Why not double fist shots of vodka just to stick it to everyone and let them know that you don't NEED a job. Right? Right???
Two Buck Chuck is perfect for the unemployed — it's cheap, it's easy and it comes in a lot of different varieties. Knowing how hopeless your job situation is, take the whole case, watch episodes of House Hunters that you've already seen and just enjoy your night. Feel free to stay up as long as you want to, it's not like you have a job to get to in the morning.