Funny Quotes

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

- Fred Allen

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

- Groucho Marx

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

- Mitch Hedberg

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

- Ellen DeGeneres

“My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."”

- Steven Wright

“The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

- Steven Wright

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”

- Oscar Wilde

“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.”

- Steven Wright

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

- George Carlin

“What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?”

- Fred Allen

“Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"”

- Eddie Izzard

“If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.”

- Eddie Izzard

“If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!”

- Eddie Izzard

“You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!”

- Eddie Izzard

“That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard."”

- Eddie Izzard