Funny Quotes

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

- Steven Wright

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.”

- Steven Wright

“Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.”

- Mark Twain

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

- Hedy Lamarr

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

- Steven Wright

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm”

- Steven Wright

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”

- Robert Benchley

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

- George Carlin

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

- P. J. O'Rourke

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

- Mark Twain

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

- Mark Twain

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

- Lily Tomlin

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

- Woody Allen

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

- Rodney Dangerfield

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

- Steven Wright