Everyone should have a Elf on a Shelf. They really add joy to the Christmas season. Every morning I wake up and wonder, "What is my little elf doing today?"
And my Elf on a Shelf is just the sweetest boy. He's so nice that I even gave him a name: Ian. Ian is such a good well-behaved lad - HEY! IAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! PUT DOWN THE BEER BONG AND STOP HANGING OUT WITH THAT RUFFIAN SPIDER-MAN!
You know, I'm glad Uncle James is in town. He has a calming presence and I feel it is helping keep Ian on his best behavior. Speaking of Ian, where is he right now - NO! OH MY GOD IAN WHAT DID YOU DO? HE IS A GUEST! HE IS A GUEST IN OUR HOUSE!
Ian, I know that you want a baby brother, but it's not going to happen. Jeanine and I have discussed it, and we've only been dating for a year and are not ready to commit to that - IAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!
IAN! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HOSTING OPEN MICS IN MY HOUSE? Open mics are literally the worst thing on earth. I would rather have you host a biker orgy than an open mic. And you're definitely not good enough to audition for The Voice.