Usually a lady pushing an overflowing cart full of discounted items. What she doesn't realize is that you can only buy so many things before you're no longer saving money. Then she holds up the entire line because she's been "extreme couponing" and has one for every single item.
You know the kind. Dude's dressed entirely in camo just to go on a shopping trip because "you never know." Don't make any sudden movements around him, or he might drop into a combat stance and break your fragile neck.
He's too old for this shit and is one day away from retirement, despite having been thrown off the case. Usually chomping on a cigar and carrying a huge gun. His overcoat has seen better days and his stubble could be used to sharpen knives. He's a renegade. A loose cannon. He doesn't care what rules get broken as long as he gets results.
He or she just toked up some dank reefer and has got a mean case of the munchies. They can usually be seen stumbling around the snack aisle, or staring at whatever shiny things they've got in the hardware section.
The 45th Vice President of the United States makes frequent trips to Wal-Mart, often stopping by on his days off to pick up a case of Mountain Dew and some Cool Ranch Doritos to hold him over during his weekend Netflix marathons of Long Island Medium.
Clad in a tank top, board shorts and flip flops, the bro can usually be spotted getting ready for a mad rager. Let's see what he's got today. Looks like a case of Natty Light, some ice, a shovel, chainsaw, industrial strength lye, trash bags and is that a blood on his pants? Is anyone else seeing this?
Zeggy loves those rollbacks. He's a regular and all the employees love him. Always has a kind word for everyone and is never too busy to stop by and say hi or give a friendly tentacle wave. Just an overall chill dude. We love the Zegmeister.
A lot of people say shopping at Wal-Mart is one of the 9 Circles of Hell, but if it was then Mephistopheles wouldn't have to shop there now would he? The Wicked One, also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, or Satan (This guy's re-invented himself more than Madonna!) loves Wal-Mart's vast selection of barbecue accessories.
10. Casey, The Adorkable Cashier You're Secretly In Love With
She's got bangs and glasses and man oh man are you ever a sucker for bangs and glasses. You go to her line every time you shop here and in having brief small talks with her over the past three months you're pretty sure she loves all the same music you do. You're debating on shelling out 300 bucks for some Arcade Fire tickets and asking her to go with you. And sure, sometimes she goes into those quirky trances where she weeps blood and speaks in tongues, but beggars can't be choosers. Go for it! We're all rooting for you slugger.
11. 19th Century Russian Faith Healer Grigori Rasputin
As both religious and medical counsel to Czar Nicholas II, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russia and his wife Empress Alexandra Feodorovna, Rasputin receives great favor from the Russian monarchy and wields great influence and political power. His elimination is necessary for the survival of Mother Russia. They must not uncover the plot. He also loves Wal-Mart's great selection of prescription drugs!
12. The Smiley Face Walking Around On a Horrifying Slender Man Body
As it skitters about the store, you're paralyzed with terror. You try to move but your muscles simply won't respond. It's coming toward you, its leering rictus peering into your soul. You try to scream, but find that your face has curled into a terrifying imitation of the thing that should not be that stands before you. Death would be a welcome relief, but no, it has bigger plans for you.
Ugh. Don't say pretend like you want to say hi to me. I don't care if it's your job and you'll get fired if you don't. If I wanted to be your friend I would've tried to strike up a conversation with you. Don't just assume things you asshole. What a smug dickhead, am I right?
He looks just like you, but with dark facial hair and there's something really attractive about him that you could never pull off, even though you're not quite sure what it is. He hates all the things you love and loves all the things you hate. Oh God, is he walking over to talk to Casey? Please, anything but that.