In 1567, Austrian Hans Steininger was said to have the longest beard in the world, measuring at almost 5 feet long. Little did he know that his magnificent beard actually wanted him dead. The story goes that Steininger was fleeing from a fire when he caught a toe in his own beard, tripped, fell, and broke his neck. Little did he know... it was his beard that started the fire.
In 1982, a man picked a fight with a cactus and lost. David Grundman and his friend were using shotguns to shoot at saguaro cactus for sport. Unfortunately, Grundman unloaded into a cactus from too close, and one of the saguaro's hefty arms fell on him, crushing him to death. You'll never guess where this happened. Oh did you say Arizona? That's correct.
In 1974, Basil Brown won a fight with his own liver by drinking too many gallons of carrot juice. He was a health fanatic, but apparently didn't know that one can overdose on Vitamin A. Even though Brown was warned by doctors that his liver was enlarged, he didn't take their warnings seriously. Brown was bright yellow when he died.
The first recorded human death by robot is on January 25, 1979. Robert Williams, an assembly line worker, was struck in the head by a robotic arm and died instantly. His family was awarded $10 million in damages. I can only assume the family used the money to build a stronger robot in order to exact revenge.
In 1919, nearly 2 million gallons of molasses hurled through the city of Boston in a sugary wave that was 25 feet high and moving at 35mph, when a 5-story-high tank of molasses exploded in the summer heat. Unfortunately, 21 people died and another 150 were injured. The most plausible explanation is that the molasses had fermented, raising pressure inside the tank due to excess carbon dioxide.
In October of 1814, the steel hoops that held a giant vat of tasty brew failed, and the streets of London were flooded with porter beer. The intersection of Tottenham Court and Oxford Street was hit with enough beer to fill half of an Olympic-size swimming pool. The pressure of the liquid blew out the brewery's walls, resulting in at least eight fatalities.
Joao Maria de Souza lived with his wife in Brazil, in a house that was backed up against a hill. A cow, escaped from a nearby farm, climbed onto Souza's roof and fell through, crushing the man in bed. Souza died shortly thereafter from internal bleeding. His wife and the cow escaped uninjured.
James Heselden was inspecting the grounds of his estate in northern England on an off-road Segway, when he fell 30 feet off of a cliff and into a river, resulting in his death. Heselden made millions from defense contracts, building blast walls to help protect troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Using his newfound fortune, Heselden bought the company Segway, which he was running when he died.
You like wool, huh? You think it's soft and cozy? Well, watch out because it might kill you. In 1987, Paul Thomas, the co-owner of a wool mill, fell into one of his machines. He was subsequently wrapped in hundreds of yards of wool and suffocated, but at least he was comfortable when he died.
In 2004, Philip Quinn, a 24-year-old man, tried to heat up his lava lamp on a stove. The lamp subsequently exploded, killing Quinn due to the flying shards of glass. A police officer responding to the scene said it was the grooviest death he'd ever seen.
Yup, a man killed himself with a condom. Gary Ashbrook was the man's name, and he was unemployed at the time. "How does that even happen?" you might ask. Exactly the way you think, by putting it over your stupid head. Apparently there was also nitrous oxide involved. This event might come as surprising, but remember, the whole point of condoms is to prevent unnecessary life.
In 2014, 33-year-old Brad Davis was charged with killing his stepfather in a drunken bout, after he gave his stepfather such a bad wedgie that Davis literally strangled him with the underwear's elastic waistband. Medical examiners ruled the cause of death as asphyxiation. The story goes that the two were drinking beer when Davis' stepfather began speaking ill about his wife, Davis' mother. Davis then defended his mother's honor is the most badass way ever.