“I was doing missionary with my ex while in high school. We were in the gym and I was so turned on I pulled out and blasted in my own eye. I turned around because my girlfriend had this terrified look of embarrassment on her face only to stare into the angry face of her gym teacher while the spooge dripped down my eye onto my lip. Yeah that was a great day."
Well, they don't call it physical education for nothing. I'm sure that those two crazy kids had a great workout.
"One evening after a few drinks, this younger boy and I were lying on the ground with our pants off and making out. We removed our undies and he starts moving his hips back and forth, slowly and then faster and faster," recalls Laura. "His breath got heavier, and then he collapsed on top of me. Mind you, this whole time I just laid there in fear of saying something that would embarrass him because he was a virgin."
"He looked up at me sweetly and asked, 'How w-w-was it for you?' I replied, 'What? You were between my thighs.' He laughed it off, but was super embarrassed. When we finally did get around to actually [doing the deed], it was fantastic."
Well, at least it got better as he got more experienced. But what an embarrassing mistake to make!
“My buddy was with a girl that was more experienced than him. mid coitus she got a little dry and told him to spit on her. he, not knowing what she meant but trying to oblige her, hocked a fat loogie and spit it on her chest.”
Well, sometimes people do like getting spit on during sex. But that is another story for another time. This girl probably wasn’t too pleased about it.
This poor husband was hoping to get a mouth full of something sweet, instead he got something sour:
"My wife and I decided to add a little spice to our love life by using some aerosol whipped cream. I got the can from the fridge and brought it to our dark bedroom, sprayed it all over her boobs and started to lick it off. It tasted funny and I thought that her skin chemistry was giving the whipped cream an off taste," says John. "It kept getting worse, so I turned on the light. It was all green from mold. She started laughing hysterically as did I. It killed the mood for the night though. I had a queasy stomach all night long."
Really, the whole whipped cream thing is overrated anyway. You get all sticky and make a mess, and nobody wants their whipped cream with pubes in it.
“In college, I had the best kind of roommate situation: I shared a bathroom with one other guy, and we actually had separate rooms on either side of the bathroom. With that kind of privacy, I could have a lot of loud sex. And I did.
One night I was sitting on the edge of my bed, with my girlfriend straddling me. It was that great kind of loud, dirty talking sex, and I started to spank her as she rode me. She loved it and kept asking for more, so I spanked harder as we got more and more into it. We got a lot of energy going, and I was smacking her ass pretty damn hard... Until I spanked out of sync with her movement. My hand swung down as her ass moved up, and I ended up missing her entirely and smacking myself in the balls with full force.
I doubled over and immediately fell off the bed, curled up on the floor, blinded by the sudden pain. My girlfriend had no idea what to do, and thought maybe a cold washcloth would help, so she ran to the bathroom and threw open the door... to find my roommate, pants around his ankles, dick in hand. There was an eternity of stunned silence as no one knew what to do or say. She slammed the door shut again, and that was the last time I saw my roommate that year.”
Well, maybe this guy should take it as a compliment that his roommate was jacking off to his sex sounds.
“I dated a girl all through high school. Our junior year together, on her birthday, she said she wanted to try oral (as in receiving). Being the horny teen I was, I was totally into it. That night it started out as her on her back, but she enjoyed it so much it progressively led to face sitting. After about 5 minutes of her on top of my face i noticed her vagina started tasting weird and really really wet. I asked if everything was ok and as she looked down she screamed. At first I thought she had her period on my face, then realized she rode my face so aggressively that my nose was gushing blood. 10/10 would suffocate in cooch again.”
Well, if you had to go somehow, that’s really not the worst way to go. Talk about a happy ending.
Reddit user DavidisGoliath had a very uncomfortable sexual experience with his family:
“So it was my 18th birthday. It was about 12:30am at my house, and my girlfriend of the time and I were laying on the couch watching a movie. My family had gone to bed earlier, and my girlfriend turns her head and says to me "I'm going to give you your birthday present now". We start going at it on the couch, and everything's going well. We're in the spooning position, and there is a blanket covering us up from the waist down. Not too much motion at the time just some good grinding, but I was balls deep in her.
The room suddenly got lighter, but a very natural non-electric light. My eyes look up to see my Mother, Father, and Sister with a birthday cake walking into the room. Singing happy birthday. While I am balls deep in my girlfriend.”
Yeah, you never want to be in the same room as your parents when your penis is inside a vagina. Sorry, bud.
This reddit user knows it’s embarrassing enough to have your parents walk in on you, but your little sister! Come on:
“My baby sister walked in on my girlfriend and I having sex. My mom had send her to wake us up for breakfast. This caught my girlfriend off guard, and she kinda screamed, bringing my mom to the room. After she realized what my sister walked in on, she tried to take her out of the room. But my sister got curious...and my mom had me explain to her the birds and the bees. When I mentioned the, it's something that two people in love do, my sister asked, ‘Since I love you, and you love me, can we do that too?!’”
Yeah, you may have to pay for your sister’s therapy when she gets older. Good job.
“Was 69'ing a girl, and she readjusted so her anus was on my mouth instead. She had recently showered, and hairless, so I had no reason to object. Here we go giving my first ever rimjob.
She gets pretty into it. Stopped going down on me because she couldn't keep it together. Then, out of nowhere...
Yep. That was a fart. Didn't even need to taste it to know. She immediately catapulted off of me and rolled to the other side of the bed. So horrified and embarrassed that she started crying, and trying to apologize through the tears.
Me? I thought it was fucking hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing, but I'm sure that didn't help with her crying at all. She just lost control of herself on the edge of an orgasm was all, can't blame her. She calmed down after about 5 minutes and we restarted the action. No more tongue punching the fart-box, though. At least not that day.”
Well, really that’s nothing to be ashamed of. You just get so relaxed that it’s easy to forget yourself. Not a crying matter in the slightest.
Well, user Siaress, that’s what you get for calling her stupid:
Met up with this girl from POF at a Hooter's. We had done the deed a few times, but not enough to break the slight awkwardness of touchin' bits. Stayed there for awhile drinking fairly heavily, and then she invited me back to a house she was watching. Turns out it was her grandparents house, confirmed by the stanky musk of antique furniture and Metamucil. Anyway, we start going at it (quite sloppily, I might add) and it starts to get hot in the room. She stands on the bed to turn on the overhead fan while I sit up against the cool concrete wall behind the pillows to catch my breath and cool off. Well, she goes for the fan chain and loses her balance. Admittedly, she wasn't the smallest girl I've ever been with, and when she falls, her ass cheeks collide directly with my dumb drunk face, which in turn smacks my head right into the concrete wall. Hard.
Bam. Lights out.
Woke up to her calling 911 in an inebriated stupor crying, thinking she had killed me.”
Either way, sex that drunk is hardly any good. Maybe this is an important lesson learned.
Well, user JohnnyDarkside, some people pay big money for this kind of action:
“For a little while in my early 20's, I took Paxil. One side effect was that it was very difficult to come. We'd be going for so long, to the point where my wife would tell me to wrap it up or stop because she was getting raw.
Well one time, we're going at it, and I felt that I was close. Told her I was close, and she said to pull out and finish on her stomach. So once I was just there, I pull out, only to piss all over her. After the initial shock of just receiving a golden shower, she just started laughing.
Somewhat surprising, she still lets me do things to her with my penis.”
I get why he felt like he was on the brink of orgasm. Sometimes relieving yourself after holding in pee for a long time can feel like cumming.
Really, the parents of antag4123 should’ve stepped in and stopped this:
“Its my college graduation party and me my WHOLE family and a bunch of my friends are celebrating it in my backyard. We are havin a good time drinkin a few beers throughout the day and the later it gets, the more crazy it gets. My friends, some family, and I are all half in the bag. I'm near blackout at this point and all i can really remember is being behind my pool with this girl i was friends with, eating her out.. now in my drunken state i coulda sworn that it was dark enough behind there but when i awoke the next day, my father assured me it wasn't. Not only could he assure that but about 60% of my family could...”
The parents probably should have not been looking at what was going on. Really, they are the ones who should be embarrassed about their actions.
User roughingit, how could he possibly make this mistake:
“Long time ago. I was having a relationship with someone I shouldn't, so we were sneaking around. We were staying at a friend's place in Colorado, very cool, rustic, fireplaces, make-sure-the doors-are-locked because-there-are-bears kind of place. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms, but in the middle of the night I decide, very unusually for me, to be naughty. So I pschye myself into thinking I'm this uber sex kitten, put on nothing but a bathrobe and sneak into his room. I slip out of my robe and under the sheets, where he's asleep, and climb on top of him, intending to wake him up mid erection and embody this sexually-adventurous fantasy woman I've created in my head.
Whereupon he wakes up with a start, screams and pushes me off him - and off the bed - because (as he later explains) HE THOUGHT I WAS A BEAR.
This stellar moment was followed by wild confusion on his part (i.e. "what are you doing!?? Why are you here!??" - not exactly my dream scenario) and then me hiding under the bed naked for about 15 minutes in case our friend came looking to see what the yelling and loud thump was about. Altough the sound of my ego deflating may have been louder.”
Umm…how did he think you were a bear, exactly? Did you weigh about 800-pounds and forget to shave for the past decade?