I know you probably shouldn't have this much sugar and fat, given your advanced age, but really, does it matter at this point? I mean, it's not like an extra year or two of your meaningless life is going to make a difference.
In the end, you'll be chewed up, digested, pooped out, and forgotten. Just like this hilarious cake!
I just want you to know that I'm sorry we can't do it this week, but here's some cake. Cake will make it better. Cake makes everything better. Even your weird lady things that I don't understand because I'm not a doctor.