Garter snakes put swingers to shame with their wild sex parties. Well, they’re more like gang bangs. During mating season, the female garter snake will release a pheromone that literally brings all the boys to the yard. They then form “mating balls” were hundreds of males surround the female trying to get a some of that serpentine snatch.
There is literally no one a bonobo won’t sleep with. The bonobo is sometimes referred to as the “hippie ape” because of its libertine attitude towards sex. They are one of the few animals in the world to engage in face-to-face copulation, besides ourselves. The bonobo will also often have same-sex coitus with members in their group to alleviate tension. The females will engage in something called GG- rubbing, where they rub their swollen vulvas together. Literally anytime, anywhere, bonobos are ready to go.
Lady Bean Weevils have it rough. Bean Weevil sex is horrifying, and it literally leaves the female scarred for life. The male bean weevil’s penis is covered in hard sharp spikes that tear up the females insides in a process that is called “traumatic insemination.” No technical term for sex should have the word “traumatic” attached to it.
I sometimes wish that sex can be done like this in the human world. Just image an array of penises floating outside your window, and you just grab the one you think is the best and you go to town on it. Well, that’s what Argonaut octopuses do. The male Argonaut octopus has a detachable member, so to speak. He produced a sperm tentacle called a hectocotylus that detaches itself from the male’s body and floats away in search of a female. Now that’s a penis with a mind of its own.
Echidna’s are adorable egg-laying mammals with extremely bizarre genitalia. The male has a penis with four functioning heads. But, only two of the heads can ejaculate at a time. This is because the female echidna has two vaginas.
Flatworm engage in a fight for fatherhood called “penis fencing.” Flatworms are hermaphrodites, and when it comes time to mate, they both try to stab and inseminate each other with their penises. The loser becomes the mother, the winner gets to wear the proverbial pants, er, I mean, penis in the relationship.
The male angler fish is perhaps the most pathetic lover in the animal kingdom. Their needy, their clingy and the only thing they’re good for is their testicles (aren’t all men, really?). The male angler fish is a tiny little weeny who latches onto the comparatively much larger female angler fish. He then is absorbed into the female angler fish, and its body completely deteriorates, except for a pair of testes. A female angler fish can have up to six males clinging to her at one time.
Hippos are really into scat play. To get the females attention, the male hippo simultaneously urinates and defecates, all while spinning his tail to make sure that all the piss and s**t is distributed at an impressive radius. All this really gets the female going.
If you’ve never seen a turtle having sex, Google that s**t immediately. I promise, you will never look at a turtle the same way again. On top of have strange long penises that end in what looks like a massive tentacle, turtles make the weirdest sex sounds. The smaller the turtle is, the higher the pitch of their strangely human-like moans. The larger the turtle, well, I was lucky enough to witness two giant tortoises going at it at the zoo and the male emitted a deep guttural sound that thoroughly grossed me out.
Most people are familiar with this one. Female praying mantises can be some deadly lovers. The typically smaller male will do a courtship dance and if he’s lucky enough to not get eaten at that point he will get on the female’s back and try to fertilize her. It’s a common misconception that mantis sex always ends in the male losing its head. That is more likely to happen in a laboratory setting. In 70 percent of the cases in the wild the male flies off unharmed. But 30 percent of the time it does happen. The mantis brain controls inhibition, while the ganglion controls “thrusting,” some scientists believe that some females prefer a headless male because he will thrust harder.
The porcupine is a real charmer. The female porcupine only has a small window of a few hours per year when she is ready to mate. So, the male porcupine busts out all the moves. Well, there is only one move and it’s gross. The male porcupine will urinate all over the female. If the female shakes off the urine, it’s a no go. If she exposes her underbelly, it’s on.
If you’ve ever tried to get a lover out of your bed the following morning, you know how annoying it can be. Well, male soapberry bugs are the ultimate lingerers. The females are hard to find, so when the male does come across one and gets to mate, he will stay attached to her at the rear for up to 11 days.
Barnacles are pros at long-distance relationships. Since they are stationary creatures (they’re stuck to rocks), barnacles have developed extremely long penises. They are 40 times the size of their body, making them the largest penises in the animal kingdom relative to body size. The male will extend his member into the water hoping to catch a female.
As if bedbugs weren’t disgusting enough already. They are also extremely aggressive lovers who have zero patience for foreplay. The male bedbug will actually stab the female in the stomach to release his sperm directly into her circulatory system.
Fruit bats are amazing sexual contortionists. They can have oral and penetrative sex at the same time! They are one of the few animal species that engage in oral sex. The fruit bats will have sex while hanging upside down (impressive) with the male behind her, the female will then bend her head down in the middle of the act and lick the male’s penis. Kind of puts your sex life to shame, doesn’t it?